“Then what is it? You were crying this morning, and don’t say you weren’t. I have eyes in my head.” What can I say without telling the whole story?
To buy some time, I pull the hair tie off my wrist and put my curly mane up into a bun at the back of my head. I hate not being able to talk to my family, and I’m close to just doing it so I’m no longer alone with my fears and my guilty conscience. But you don’t out someone without their consent, especially when that person can’t ever give their consent and can’t stand up for themselves in the matter. Right?
“This story isn’t just about Dayyan and me. I can’t talk about the other person because they’re not out.” And if I said that this person had died, Luca would immediately put two and two together.
Both nod understandingly, albeit reluctantly. “But Jannis...”
Louis puts his arm around my waist and pulls me close. “If there’s no other way, before you break down, talk to someone. Someone you trust. It doesn’t have to be us, but protecting another person isn’t worth destroying yourself.”
We stare into the darkness for a while longer, above us the stars under us the twinkling lights of our small town. I let my thoughts drift and accept where they take me. To Dayyan.
Chapter 24
Dayyan
“Tomorrow you’re leaving.” Jannis nods slowly and I miss the excitement that was so palpable three weeks ago when we talked about his vacation. “What’s wrong? Aren’t you excited?“
He grimaces and turns away, avoiding my gaze. “Yes, I am. Finally, the whole family together again, it’ll be fun.”
The way he says it, it sounds more like he has a root canal treatment scheduled at the dentist. I reach for his hand and squeeze it tightly. “Don’t worry, I won’t try to find a new friend the next two weeks. I’ll be terribly bored and I’ll miss you. You can text me, so I won't be quite so lonely.”
Due to his job change, my father didn’t get any time off, at least not during the summer holidays. So no family vacation for us this year. In recent years, I’ve been traveling with friends, but since I knew we were moving, I stayed out of those plans. Now I’m home for the entire six weeks. That hasn’t been bad so far, because I’ve been out and about with Jannis all the time. Tomorrow he’s on his way to an island at the French Atlantic coast, so I’ll be really alone for a bit over two weeks.
I’ll miss him. Very much so. Everything between us is still so fragile. I hold his hand, we hug. We laugh together, and we talk about almost everything. We just never talk about us.
“When are you leaving?” I try to distract him.
“Plan is 8:00 a.m., so we’ll be at our stopover just outside Paris at around 4:00 p.m., and the day after tomorrow we’ll be on the island.”
“How long is the trip in total?”
“Fifteen hours with the caravan.” Wow, that’s quite a drive. We’ve usually gone to the North Sea or the Baltic Sea, or to Austria, which was never that far. I’ve been to Berlin, Hamburg, and Cologne with friends, and once to Mallorca.
“Have you ever been at the Atlantic?”
I shake my head, even though I’m not sure if Jannis can see me when he’s staring at his feet. “Will you send me photos?”
What I would give to look inside his head. Some days he’s so open, but today he has put up a wall and not only do I not have the key to the gate, I haven’t even found said gate yet. Maybe there isn’t one, I don’t know.
“Are you serious?” Suddenly, he turns his head toward me and looks at me questioningly.
“Of course. I want to know where you are.” Jannis turns his hand in mine until our fingers intertwine.
“I’ve never had anyone I could send photos to.” And every time I think there’s nothing left from his past that could hurt me, he reveals something like that. His head falls onto my shoulder and I pull him close into my arms.
So far, I haven’t understood when he wants to be close to me and when he wants to keep me at a distance, but I can feel him struggling every time before he lets himself go.
Jannis’s phone vibrates. “Oh, fuck. I have to go home. Need to pack.”
I expect him to get up, but nothing happens. We stay, cuddled up together on the bench. It vibrates two more times in Jannis's pocket.
“I think someone’s serious.”
“You want to get rid of me?” Jannis jumps up and I with him. I come to a stop right in front of him and he looks me straight in the eye. Fear fills his gaze, and even though he tries to make his voice sound casual, I know better. Very gently I brush a wild curl from his forehead and for a split second his eyes close.
I know it’s wrong, I know I shouldn’t do it, but the way he’s standing in front of me, I can’t hold back. I cup Jannis’s face with both hands and he freezes. For a moment, he opens his eyes wide, then his eyelids close again. “I don’t want to get rid of you. Never. On the contrary, I’ll miss you, I mean it.”
Then I lean forward. My lips touch his, gently at first, tentatively. He doesn’t pull away, and I close the last bit of distance.
