Light laughter fills the room. “I didn’t mean it that way, and you know it. But you’re more thoughtful and responsible than your two brothers combined. And less impulsive. Don’t change the subject, keep going.”
“His name is Dayyan, he and his family just moved here, and we get along well.”
“See, I always said that you’re not the problem, nor is the way you communicate.” My father knows it was difficult for me to fit in at school from the beginning and also that this is largely due to my selective mutism. Children can be cruel, and I haven’t been able to get rid of Torben since first grade. Torben always made sure everyone knew I was a freak and that anyone who befriended me was too. Anyone who came to my birthday parties also got that label. After the first disaster, I never celebrated again.
“He... Dayyan doesn’t know how I communicate. I speak with him. I have no idea why or how it happened, but... it feels good. At least it did until today. Now everything sucks.”
Papa gently puts his arm around my shoulder, and I let myself slide into his arms until my head is resting on his lap.
“Tell me.”
“Dayyan joined my class today, but I don’t speak at school, which he doesn’t know because I haven’t told him, and nowhe asked what was wrong. I wanted to answer, but nothing came out. Nothing. I had to take out my phone. What if he thinks I’m a total freak now, just like everyone else, and doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore?” My voice has become increasingly shrill over the last two minutes. Papa’s fingers slide through my hair, just like Dayyan’s did last week at the cemetery. It calms me a little, but not enough.
“You like him, huh? I understand it’s scary. But sometimes you have to be brave if you really want something. And sometimes you have to trust in other people. If it goes wrong, they’re not right for you. What did you say to him?”
“I asked if I could pick him up later.”
“And what did he say?”
“He nodded.”
I hear the smile in Papa’s voice. “But that’s great. He wants to see you. He could have said no, right?” Admittedly, he has a point. I wasn’t capable of that kind of logic earlier. “When are you meeting?”
I look at my watch and grimace. Almost two hours to go.
Papa understands. It took me a while to talk to my fathers, so he’s had plenty of time to learn and understand every little facial expression and gesture. “Ah, it’ll be a while. Let’s assume your friend is just as confused as you are. Do you think he’d mind if you went over right now?”
***
Six minutes later, I’m standing in front of Dayyan’s house ringing the doorbell. My phone is in my hand, there’s still a possibility it’s not him opening the door, but when I see the dark curls in the crack of the door, I’m instantly calmer.
A surprised smile spreads across Dayyan’s face, stretching from his lips to his eyes. “Hey, you’re early.”
And as if nothing ever happened, I hear my voice and relief washes over me. “I didn’t want to wait any longer. Is that okay? Can we talk?”
He steps aside to make way. “Do you want to come in? We’re alone.”
Dayyan’s room isn’t big, but it’s cozy and there’s everything you need.
“Sit down.” With a sweeping gesture, he points between the bed and the sofa, and I choose the latter. It feels strange to be inside, somehow intimate, and for a brief moment I’m overwhelmed by all the new impressions, the new closeness.
“Why don’t you speak at school?” Sure, just get straight to the point, why don’t you? Oh my God.
“I don’t just not speak at school. I don’t speak with anyone except my close family.”
Confused, Dayyan looks first at me, then at himself. “Maybe I’m missing something here, but... we talk. We always have.”
Helplessly, I shrug my shoulders. “To be honest, I have no idea what went wrong there. I have selective mutism. That means I can speak—obviously—but not with everyone and not in every situation. It’s trauma related.”
“Who do you speak with then? Aside from me, that is.” His cheeky grin makes me laugh, and just as it is with Dayyan, everything feels easy again.
“Papa, Paps, Louis and Luca. At home I speak normally, but in public, I whisper in their ears when there are people too close around us.”
“And when you can’t speak, you use your phone?” Okay, he’s asking questions. That’s going well, right?
“Yeah, exactly. I have a special app and it’s really not that big of a deal if the other person is willing to go along with it.”
Dayyan frowns thoughtfully. “Is it difficult at school?”
