I just don’t want to lose him.
The last two lessons passed by in a blur. I can’t remember anything. That’s the advantage of not talking. You can completely drift off because no one expects you to participate. A luxury.
To avoid bumping into Dayyan in the bike cellar, I spend about ten minutes reading the substitute schedule and another ten minutes reading the announcements on the student council board. Not that I care that the gospel choir is looking for new members.
Completely lost in thought and on autopilot, I walk down the stairs and push my way through the heavy door.
“Hey.”
Fuck, for a moment I think I’m having a heart attack or something. I quickly look around to see if we’re alone. “Hey. What are you still doing here?”
“I was waiting for you.” Just what I didn’t want. Fantastic.
“Why?” My tone is a little harsher than I intended, but Dayyan responds calmly and warmly. Just like always, and my heart softens.Please don’t let me down. Please don’t make fun of me.
“Isn’t it obvious? I want to ride home with you.”
“Is that so?” Hope spreads through my chest, but I need to be sure. “Aren’t you fed up with me already after this morning?”
Dayyan just looks at me blankly. “Why? Was that your strategy? Do you want to get rid of me?”
What? Oh my God! No! Shit! How do I get out of this? I quickly shake my head.
A door closes behind us with a bang and I turn around. “Oh, you’re still here.”
Torben “Asshole to the millionth degree” Sauer. If anyone wants to make my life hell here, it’s him.
“We were just about to leave,” Dayyan replies curtly, pushing his bike past him toward the exit, and I follow as quickly as possible.
***
We ride side by side in silence until we reach the dragon meadow, when Dayyan speaks up. “What happened today? And don’t bullshit me.”
I want to answer him, but my mouth remains shut. Every muscle is frozen, fear flooding my body and my brain. What if I can no longer speak to Dayyan? What will happen then?
In front of our house, I pull out my phone, my only chance to communicate, but it feels so wrong. “Later, okay?” says my computer voice. “I’ll explain, I promise. Can I pick you up at three?”
***
Dayyan has agreed. I have three hours to somehow prepare myself mentally and emotionally for this conversation, but the words won’t come. After an hour, I throw my water bottle against the wall in frustration, and the first tears start to fall. “Fuck!”
I scream, at least my vocal cords are still working. Crap, I hear footsteps on the ground floor. Is Luca at home? Paps is working, he left the house with me this morning.
“Jannis?Déjà rentré?” Papa is obviously working from home today, something I only realize when he pokes his head through the crack in my door. Can this shitty day get any shittier?“Tu veux en parler?Can I sit with you?”
I nod. Not because I couldn’t say no. That wouldn’t be a problem, at least not with Papa—he’d accept that and leave.
“Okay, what’s going on? You’re usually not the one throwing things around in this house.”
“I...” Oh my God, where do I even start? “Um, I met someone. A few weeks ago at the schoolyard. And we meet up regularly in the afternoons. Actually, all the time.”
My father smiles. “Oh, that’s why you’re never home these days. Paps was getting worried.”
“And you weren’t?”
Papa grins while shaking his head. “If it was Louis maybe, Luca definitely, but not with you.”
I roll my eyes. “Ah, I’m the boring one. You know that’s not a compliment, right?”
