Charlie stood up. “We’ll be across the hall when you boys have worked through this. Just keep it civil. We’ve got a show tomorrow.”
Dan followed him and as soon as the door swung shut, Kelly shot out of his chair and paced angrily. He was defensive, but it felt more like he couldn’t sit there and face me now that I’d called him out.
He stopped pacing. “It wasn’t what it looked like.”
I raised my hands. “I don’t care. You’re the only one who has a problem here and it’s going to cause a problem between us if you keep it up. Are you jealous?”
It felt like time to point to the elephant in the room.
He rubbed his forehead, more frustrated than I’d ever seen him. “I can care about you, worry about what she’s going to do to you without it being about sex. You want to go back down that road at some point, my door is always open, but I’m not jealous of her. It’s never been like that between us.”
He thought I was making this about us. “You still don’t see it, do you? I meant are you jealous of me?”
He stared at me in surprise and then wiped all emotion from his face altogether. “I’m glad you’re happy, man. I hope it works out. Truly. But I’m never gonna be okay with someone who’s treated you the way she has.”
I approached him carefully, giving him every opportunity to back off before pulling him into a hug. “I don’t need you to protect me, Kelly.”
He was the oldest of seven kids with a single mom. His mom had tried her best, but he’d ended up stepping into the second parent role and that protective instinct was ingrained in his personality now. It was something I loved about him, but it made it hard for him to trust anyone.
He’d picked up the pieces too many times when his mom got her heart broken and he’d seen what a mess I was last time. He’d do anything to protect me from that heartbreak again, but I knew now that being hollow was worse than being heartbroken.
I didn’t need him projecting his issues onto an already complicated situation.
“Give her the benefit of the doubt. Get to know her,” I said.
He relaxed and hugged me back, releasing the tension between us.
“Will she be around long enough for it to matter?” He said it into my shoulder, not daring to look me in the face as he asked the question I was avoiding.
“I dunno, man. I hope so.”
I checked my watch as he pulled away and felt a sinking feeling when I realized there wasn’t time now to stop by the room to surprise Maia.
The crushing feeling in my chest that I hadn’t felt for days returned, but there wasn’t even time for that.
“Come on.” I patted a hand on Kelly’s shoulder. “Let’s go reassure Charlie we didn’t come to blows. Maia is coming to the charity thing I’m doing later. Maybe you could keep her company?”
He swept the contract off the table. “Okay, I can play nice for one night.”
I laughed. “What good does playing nice do? Be real with her. My girl can handle it.”
38
MAIA
Now
* * *
I’d been in London for almost a week, and in so many ways a weight had been lifted. In so many other ways, I was back in the hell I’d been in with him nine years ago. Our lives weren’t compatible. As long as we didn’t talk or think about what came next, things were blissful.
I saw him when he got spare moments or fit around his schedule to try to manufacture something that felt like a break even when he didn’t have one. My world narrowed to trying to alleviate the pressure on him in whatever ways I could…and it was shameful how much pleasure it gave me.
I liked taking care of someone. It was part of what I loved about sex work, focusing on someone else’s needs, satisfying a deeply human necessity for someone else. It had been at the heart of my problems with Nate because I took care of his needs, all of them—not just sex—but he didn’t take care of mine, so it became something toxic.
Zane didn’t just take care of my needs, he showed me what I wanted when I wasn’t even sure.
I found myself badgering my employees less and less for reassurance because they truly had it all under control without me. I was like a parent suddenly realizing my kids could leave home and didn’t need me to thrive.
