14
ASTRID
The half-shrink was painless.Lizard and I looked ridiculous with the body sizes of elementary school kids and the facial features of adults. Uncle Fucker seemed particularly disturbed by the new look, but in the end, he was more upset about the pantaloons. He’d get over it. We were almost ready to exit the clump of trees and put an end to the unacceptable actions of shitasses who believed they ran the show.
“They’ll have guards at the door,” I said, looking up at my face on my uncle from my newly shortened stature. “My guess is only two. Their arrogance is astounding.”
“It’s really fucking hard to take you seriously,” Satan said, shaking his head. “This is all wrong. I’m normally well over six feet tall. I look absurd, still devastatingly handsome, but absurd.”
“Right now, you have my face and body,” I reminded him, rolling my eyes. “If you want your original body back, you need to check that ego and shut your complaining cake hole so you can focus.”
“Fine point. Well made,” he admitted grudgingly. “Keep going.”
I looked up at the sky. “It’s after midnight and the Oklahoma crew keeps to a fairly rigid schedule. I’m hoping that a good portion of them will be in their coffins for the night.”
“Wait,” Satan said, brow creased. “I thought Vamps were creatures of the night.”
“That’s normally true for the undead under a hundred-years-old. However, as ancient as these bastards are, they can walk in the daylight with no issue.”
Satan nodded.
“No sunscreen?” Martha asked, perplexed.
She and Jane had to wear sunscreen when they went in the direct sunlight. They’d only been undead for around a decade. I didn’t have to slather on the zinc oxide anymore since I was the Chosen One. I’d done it in the beginning and it was a pain in the ass.
“Nope. No sunscreen,” I told her.
“That’s not fuckin’ fair,” Jane griped.
I didn’t disagree, but I also didn’t make the rules.
Lizard picked up his miniature mates and winked at them. “I think y’all look hot all slathered up in thick, white, gelatinous Coppertone.”
They giggled. It was shrill.
“Ain’t you just the charmer,” Martha shrieked.
“Smexiest stud in the Universe!” Jane added.
“Umm… you guys are going to have to stop talking,” I said, before this devolved into some kind of weird ass nookie thing. “You’re gonna break all the windows in the compound and we’ll be screwed.”
Both of the little turds mimed zipping their lips. That was good enough. I took them from Lizard and placed them into the pockets of the purple pantaloons that Satan was wearing against his will. They were ugly, but were also a perfect camouflage for us to get into the compound undetected.
“Remove your weapons, Uncle Fucker,” I ordered. “We’re all armed, and honestly, you don’t really need weapons to throw down.”
“Thank you,” he replied. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
I smiled. “It was intended as one. The door won’t be locked. Again, arrogance. And,” I said, scanning the front of the compound. “I don’t see any cameras or motion lights. Not that there aren’t any, but that’s not how these assholes roll. They think they’re above modern technology. Old school all the way.”
“But they have cellphones,” Lizard said.
I shook my head. “No, they have Ethan’s cell phone. If they had their own, they would have used it. We can’t communicate with them via email or computers. In order to talk to the cretins, we have to send snail mail or show up in person.”
“So, you’re implying they have enough knowledge to be a danger to themselves,” Satan commented with a sly grin. “Or in other words, they’re stupid.”
“Stupid with a capital S. However, that doesn’t mean they can’t fight. You don’t survive as long as they have without knowing a thing or two about throwing down. They’re as vicious as the Fairy Gang when cornered. It’s the only reason they’re still alive.”
“Sounds like fun,” Uncle Fucker said with a dastardly grin on my face. “I do have a question, though.”
