“Spit it out,” I said, making sure all my weapons were easily within reach. Having smaller hands was an issue, but shouting ‘Big Boy Pants, Motherfucker’ after we dropped out of the bottom of the pantaloons would remedy the problem. I truly couldn’t believe I’d even formed the last sentence in my brain. There was a first time for everything.
“What do you think they plan to do with you if you trade yourself for Ethan?” Satan asked.
I shrugged. “My guess is that they’re banking that I’ll choose to die for him.”
“That is off the table,” Satan ground out. “You arenotdying. Period. Not today and not any time in the future.”
My brow shot up and I laughed. “Be careful there, Pussycat. It sounds alarmingly like you like me. You really like me.”
“Whatever, Dickie,” he said dismissively. “If you bite it, your death would throw a wrench into my schedule. What with all the celebrations of life and funerals.” He threw his hands in the air as if exasperated. “Maddening.”
I grinned. “I think someone might be protesting too much,” I said, then left it. There was no getting the Devil to play nice in the sandbox. It wasn’t in his DNA. “And if I don’t choose to die, I don’t really know what their plan would be. I’m sure it wouldn’t be pleasant.”
Lizard choked up on his bat and snarled. “Ain’t happenin’. We’re gonna off ‘em, grab your man and haul ass out of this bullshit.”
I squatted down, prepared to crawl into my uncle’s pants and wrap my half-sized self around his leg. This was nuts, but it could work. Right? Maybe? Storming the place full-sized would be a mistake. The element of surprise was on our side… and the element of stupid.
“Okay, guys and gals… Long live the Pantaloon Platoon!”
It was time to enter the fray and end the madness.
It wasbizarre riding shotgun on Satan’s leg and somewhat of a bumpy trip. I was on his right leg, or rather my leg, and Lizard was wrapped around the left. I could see Lizard clearly since the crotch of the pantaloons was so low. If carrying two Vamps in hispockets and a Vamp and a Demon on each leg bothered the Devil he didn’t let on. He strode with purpose from the clump of trees right up to the blood red front door of the compound.
“Lizard,” I whispered, holding up a dagger. “I’m gonna cut eye holes. Do it too.”
The gum smacking whacko gave me a thumbs up and followed suit. The holes in the massive amounts of purple material wouldn’t be noticed unless examined up close.
“I can hear you,” Uncle Fucker warned. “It might be a dead giveaway if my pockets and fucking knees can speak.”
“Roger that,” I whispered. Ethan would crap his pants—an impossibility for a Vamp since we didn’t have bodily functions—but metaphorically speaking, when I told him the story of how we saved him. And we would save him. The alternative was unacceptable.
The Devil didn’t ring the doorbell. He didn’t knock. He just threw the door open and stepped in.
I’d been correct. There were only two Vamps at the door. Arrogance made one seem strong from the outside, but it always hid a weakness from within. Their entitlement would be their downfall. The Oklahoma Vampyres were repulsive blights on our species. Murdering humans to eat was both unnecessary and vile. It was also against Vampyre law. Kidnapping the Prince of the North American Dominion was the height of hubris, and it would be the very thing that brought them down.
We just had to get to Ethan first and make sure he was okay.
He would be okay.
He had to be okay.
“Hello, boys,” Satan said in my voice. “I’m home!”
The utter shock on the Vamps’ faces to see me standing in front of them was priceless. The Devil didn’t give them even a second to recoup. The sound of Satan ripping their heads offand dropping them to the ground with a satisfying thud was glorious.
“That was delightful,” Satan said, kicking the heads out of the way as the bodies quickly turned to ash. “Two down. Eighteen to go. Where next?”
I slid out of the pants. I didn’t speak the counterspell yet, just in case I needed to crawl back up my uncle’s leg, but I needed to check out the situation, and that required room to move.
I closed my eyes, letting my senses guide me. I could feel Ethan’s presence down the long hall of parlors. He was weak, and his condition sent alarm bells through me. What had they done to him? Whatever it was, they would get back a thousand-fold. I felt the sensation of my fangs dropping in fury, but I had no fangs to drop. I wasn’t in my own body. I centered myself and concentrated. Getting sloppy now wasn’t an option. Not when we were so close to the end game.
“Ten upstairs,” I whispered. “Probably sleeping in coffins.”
“Fucking idiots,” Satan muttered. “They told you to come here. Did they expect you to call first? They don’t even have phones.”
“The key to happiness is never to expect anything from anyone,” I said.
Satan grinned. “Guess they’re not going to be happy.”
