“True that,” Lizard agreed. “I’ll just leave you with a couple of the best. It’ll be like my mammy is watchin’ over us. Kinda like a demonic Angel!”
I wasn’t sure that having a dead Demon who’d gotten ingested by a gator in front of an audience watch over us was going to be a benefit, but kept that opinion to myself. Everyone had an episode of Jerry Springer in their lives. If they denied it, they lied. Lizard owned a whole season. It was both impressive and appalling, just like the man himself.
“What do reptiles like to eat with their hamburgers?” he asked.
I almost said, Mammy’s head, but tamped that shit back fast. “I don’t know. What do reptiles like to eat with their hamburgers?”
“French flies!” he said, slapping the back of my seat and laughing.
Martha and Jane cackled. Due to the fact that they were laughing several octaves higher than normal, I almost lost an ear drum.
Lizard wasn’t done. “What’s a reptile’s favorite movie?”
“Don’t know,” Astrid replied with her hands over her ears in preparation for Martha and Jane to laugh again.
“The Lizard of Oz!”
This time when the miniature old freaks laughed, the windshield shattered. That made them laugh harder. I debated with myself if we really needed them in battle. Stepping on them and squishing them was so tempting.
“One more,” Lizard said, grinning like a fool. “What did the mommy chameleon say to her nervous kid on the very first day of school?”
“Tell us!” Jane screeched in the key of Z.
“Don’t worry, sonny boy! You’ll blend right in!”
Again, with the shrill cackling. Again, with more hearing loss.
While I understood that balance was advantageous—humor mixed in with the tension of going into battle with asses who slept in coffins, I didn’t think destroying our aural abilities was a great plan.
“Well, that was educational,” I announced, getting out of the sedan before Lizard performed an encore that would leave all of us permanently deaf. “I don’t want to be late for our appointment.”
“I second that,” Astrid said, practically diving out of the passenger window. “Lizard, do the half shrink spell so we can get in Satan’s pants.”
“I beg your pardon,” I said with mock outrage.
She giggled. “You’re an idiot.”
“Yes, but at the moment, I’m your idiot and at your service,” I replied.
She took my hand in hers, turned it over and kissed the palm. “I love you, Uncle Fucker.”
I was moved. That was weird. I wasn’t sure if I liked it or hated it. “Enough of the sappy stuff,” I said, taking my hand back. But if she loved me… “Does that include respect?”
“Getting there,” she said with a lopsided smile. “Getting there.”
Good enough for now. We had more pressing business to attend to, like Vampyres that were begging for decapitation. And while I didn’t usually mix business and pleasure, I planned to enjoy the Hell out of this particular venture.
