“My pleasure, Dickie,” I replied.
She downed the sweet treat so quickly I was surprised Lizard didn’t have to Heimlich her again. Her manners left a lot to be desired, but I didn’t comment. I was secretly delighted that I’d made her happy. It was a strange sensation, but I quite enjoyed it. Sogdroth would be positively smug with the admission. I decided the fucker never needed to know.
“I was thinkin’,” Lizard began.
“Oh shit,” Astrid muttered under her breath.
I agreed. Astrid and I exchanged a sharp and worried glance.
“Go on,” I told him hesitantly.
“As I see it, Astrid made a dang good point about the pantaloons being bulky if we’re wrapped around your legs.”
“The solution?” I inquired, dreading the answer.
Lizard put his gum on the headrest of my seat and continued. I wanted to punch him, but thought it might be counterproductive.
“Yep, well, I was thinkin’ it might be prudent to do a half shrink on me and Astrid. Might not be the best plan to have you going in lookin’ all deformed and shit. The pantaloons are bad enough. You feel me?”
“I have no plans to feel you,” I snapped, pissed off that he’d insulted my attire no matter how much the purple pants might deserve it. “However, I do have a question.”
“Shoot, boss man,” he said, peeling the gum off of the headrest and popping it back into his mouth.
For a full minute, I completely lost my train of thought. My BFF was fucking disgusting. “Jesus,” I muttered before I could remember what the Hell I was asking. “Oh, right. What’s theantidote to the shrinking? I’m not sure a pint-sized Martha and Jane and half-sized Astrid and Lizard will be of much use in a battle.”
“Excellent observation, my liege,” Lizard said, patting me on the shoulder with the same hand that had just peeled the gum off of the seat. The fitted white top was definitely going into the burn pile along with the pantaloons when we were done. “When you wanna go back to full size, you just yell, Big Boy Pants, Motherfucker!”
“Seriously?” Astrid asked, taking the words out of my mouth. “Big Boy Pants, Motherfucker?”
“You got it,” he said with a grin. “You know, it’s like when you were a youngin’ and you wanted cool pants like your older brother, but he wouldn’t let you wear them so you dismembered him in his sleep because he’s a motherfucker. It’s dang hard to wear pants with no legs.”
“Umm… not really relatable,” Astrid told him, wincing. “And kind of mean.”
“Nah,” Lizard said with a chuckle. “Iguana deserved it. Trust me, he’s a prick.”
“You have a brother named Iguana?” I was surprised. I didn’t even know Lizard had a family aside from Martha and Jane. I’d never asked. Sogdroth would chastise me for the omission. Whatever. The nosey shite never had to know.
“Sure do,” he confirmed. “Got another brother named Komodo, one called, Gecco, another goes by Skink, and I got me a sister named Monitor.”
“Wow,” Astrid choked out, doing her best not to laugh.
She succeeded. I did not.
“I know,” Lizard said, grinning. “My mammy liked reptiles. Named all of us for ‘em.”
“That’s…” I bit back the insult that was on the tip of my tongue and took a U-turn. “Your mammy sounds like a real comedian.”
“She was. Literally,” he explained with pride. “Did standup in the Catskills for decades. Specialized in reptile jokes. She was a fuckin’ hoot!”
“Was?” I asked, noting how he’d talked about her in past tense.
He nodded solemnly. “Yep, she got eaten by a gator ten years back. She thought it would be a good gimmick in her act. Mammy stole a twenty-foot, mean ass gator from the Poconos’ zoo, tossed him in the trunk of her doodlebug and showed up with him for her next gig. When that gator ate her head, the audience thought it was part of the act until the blood started spurtin’ like a fuckin’ geyser. Dang mess, that was.”
No one said a word. There wasn’t much to say.
“Wanna hear some of her jokes?” he asked.
“Umm… sure. If you can make it quick,” Astrid said, ever polite. “We kind of have some Vamps to decapitate.”
