The Fairy chuckled. The sound was oily and vile. He grabbed Trapper Rick by the neck and dangled him off the ground. “Should have known shit scrapers like you would be useless,” he roared. “Since you failed, we will kill the small one.”
“No!” Critter Steve wailed. “No. We’ll try harder next time.”
The disgusting Fairy smiled. It didn’t come close to reaching his eyes. “There will be no next time.”
Most of the remaining patrons of the parlor decided not to stay except for Wipe and the dismembered Vamp on the floor. The nutcase behind the bar was still grinning. I didn’t blame the ones who got out. Although, the sad fact that no one even madean attempt to stand up for Critter Steve and Trapper Rick made my stomach roil.
The leader of the pack, tossed Tapper Rick over the bar smashing glasses and bottles of alcohol. The sound was bad, but the Demon would live. Critter Steve was another matter. The Fairy began to carve and wasn’t going to stop until Critter Steve was a pile of bloody, lifeless parts. I felt the Demon’s screams reverberate low in my gut. The cheers and laughs from the rest of the gang were sickening as the despicable chief did his worst.
“Motherfucker,” Satan ground out, ripping off his wig. “I’m done. No one fucks with my people except for me. Let’s go.”
He didn’t have to ask twice. I tore the wig off my head and joined him.
The flurry of action happened so fast the Fairy Gang barely stood a chance. That didn’t mean they gave up. They didn’t. They fought like their lives were on the line… because they were.
“It’s Satan,” the leader bellowed. “Capture him.”
“And the Chosen One,” another yelled. “I want her head!”
“Get in line,” I snarled.
Of course, they thought I was the Devil and the Devil was me. It didn’t matter. We were on the same damn team.
“MINE!” Satan growled, pointing at what was left of Critter Steve. The Demon was still alive, but barely. “Do not fuck with what’s MINE.”
The Devil’s roar of fury made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and the blood in my veins run cold. While we’d switched bodies, our own powers had stayed with us. When Uncle Fucker went up in flames and single-handedly ripped the heads off of five of the ten Fairies surrounding Critter Steve, I didn’t even blink. Satan adored being aflame. It was his normal. And the bare-handed decapitation… also normal.
“Behind you,” Lizard shouted.
I ducked as a razor-sharp machete flew past my head. Hissing, I dove at the son of a bitch who thought he was so clever. He wasn’t. His screams were lovely as I yanked his legs from the sockets with my sparking hands. The disgusting killer wailed in agony. After beating him thoroughly with his appendages to honor the poor limbless Vamp on the floor, I used the bastard’s machete to lop off his own head.
Lizard, no slouch, had three coming at him. He choked up on his trusty bat and swung. Hard. The flying heads would have been almost funny if it wasn’t so freaking real.
“Leave one for me, motherfuckers!” Wipe shouted, jumping over the bar with his fangs out and a flaming hot cattle prod in his hands.
I had no idea why the Vamp happened to be in possession of a sizzling cattle prod and never wanted to know. Only the leader was left, and Wipe was all over it. The Fairy was in a standoff with who he thought was me. He didn’t even see Wipe coming in behind him. The insane Vamp moved so fast, he disappeared from sight momentarily.
As the Fairy went for my uncle, Wipe screeched like a banshee on a bad acid trip, then reared back and shoved the searing hot iron up the Fairy’s ass. He propelled the cattle prod with so much force that it came out of the Fairy’s mouth, conveniently beheading him at the same time.
I had never seen anything like that and never wanted to see that again. Even Uncle Fucker was shocked speechless. Only Lizard chuckled.
“Told ya Wipe’s insane,” he said, walking over and shaking the Vamp’s hand.
My mouth moved before my gray matter joined the process. “Can I see the ball in your pit?” I asked. Thankfully, I refrained from inquiring about the four assholes.
“With pleasure, Satan,” Wipe said, lifting his arm.
For a hot sec, I didn’t know why he’d called me by my uncle’s name. God, I was slow. Although, sure enough, there was a baseball in his hairy pit. I didn’t know why, but it was oddly satisfying and somewhat unsettling to see proof that Lizard’s stories weren’t bullshit.
“We need to help Critter Steve,” the real Devil in disguise commanded harshly. “The man is in fucking pieces. The ball and buttholes can wait.”
He was correct. And… he was thinking about someone other than himself. Unusual and amazing.
“Move,” I said, gently pushing him out of the way and kneeling down next to the mutilated body of Critter Steve. He’d clearly taken the brunt of some of the blows during the short but violent battle. The good thing was that his head was still attached. He would heal. It might take some time, but he would eventually be back to himself. “Relax,” I told him. “It will be okay.”
“My liege,” he cried out, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. Tears fell from his bruised and swollen eyes and mixed with the blood caked on his face. “I’m sorry, oh great Satan. I spoke badly of your rod. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t. Please spare me. You may punish me how you see fit, but please spare my life.”
I was Satan, not Astrid right now. I needed to act like it or I’d be stuck as the Devil forever. Giving ourselves away at this point in the ridiculous game would be devastating. Pushing away the impulse to hug the Demon close and rock him like I was his mother, I, instead, nodded curtly. “I forgive you. There shall be no punishment.”
