The real Satan, in an Astrid suit, gave me an approving nod then nudged me. I almost groaned. But a promise was a promise.
“Shortly, I shall show you my wank to prove its enormous size,” I choked out. “You will then be able to accurately spread the word that my peen is gargantuan.”
“Yes, your grace!” Critter Steve said. “Yes!”
“What about me?” came a small voice from behind the mostly intact bar.
It was Trapper Rick.
“Come here, Demon,” I said.
He crawled out. Trapper Rick was riddled with shards of glass from being tossed over the bar and bleeding heavily.
“I’m sorry too, my liege.”
I stared at the man for a long moment. He held his breath in terror.
“May I ask what the Fairy Gang had on you to make you spew such appalling untruths about my wanker? And who is the small one they threatened to kill? Is that you?” I asked, kind of proud of myself for actually sounding like my uncle.
“For the love of everything unholy,” Satan grumbled. “Cock or dick. It’s not a wanker or a wank or a fucking peen.”
It was all I could do not to laugh.
“Astrid is quite right,” I said, feeling silly talking about Astrid, who was me… while I was fake him. Whatever. I had to go with it. “I meant my royal, glorious, stupendous, tremendous, prodigious, astonishing, inconceivable cock.”
“That might have been a little much,” Satan said with an eye roll.
I turned my attention back to Trapper Rick. “Tell me. What did the Fairies do to make you disparage my junk? And who is the small one?”
The Demon held eye contact. It was impressive for such a terrified man. “They threatened your son’s life.”
“My son’s life?” Satan bellowed. “Those Fairy fuckers threatened my child’s life?”
“Umm… no,” Trapper Rick said, confused. “Not your son’s life, Astrid. They threatened Satan’s son. Told us if we didn’t say that the Devil had an inadequate dick, they would go to Hell and kill the child.”
I glared at Satan. The men he’d wanted to decapitate had been protecting his son. I hesitated, but went with my gut. Dropping to one knee, I bowed to Critter Steve and Trapper Rick. I heard Satan’s grunt of shock, but he didn’t try to tackle me, electrocute me or pull me to my feet. I took that as a win and kept going.
“I thank you for your service. My son is the light of my life. Your good deed shall be rewarded.” I looked up at my own face that was housing the real Satan for the time being. “How do you think these brave Demons should be rewarded?” I asked.
I watched Uncle Fucker’s brain work. It wasn’t standard for him to bestow rewards. He was more of a fire and brimstone kind of dude. But good deeds, no matter how strangely they were presented, deserved to be recognized.
“I think,” Satan said slowly. “That you should ask the men what they would like.”
“Knock my ass over with a feather,” Lizard muttered. “Pretty sure the temp in Hell just dropped a few degrees.”
Satan zapped him. Lizard laughed and slapped out the fire with his blonde bob wig.
“I think Astrid has an excellent idea,” I announced grandly. “Trapper Rick and Critter Steve tell me what you would like in return for putting your lives on the line for my son.”
The Demons exchanged surprised glances. I was positive when they woke up this morning, they hadn’t envisioned their day ending like this.
“I’d like to be allowed to go back to Hell,” Critter Steve said tentatively. “I’d like a cozy tract home with shag carpeting and a dog. Preferably a Labrador puppy.”
“Doable,” I said with a Devil-like nod. “And you, Trapper Rick?”
The Demon pulled a few of the bigger shards of glass out of his face and cleared his throat. “I’d like to set up Critter Steve’s and my business in Hell. And I, too, would like a tract home with shag carpet. While I find puppies adorable, I prefer cats. I would like to adopt a cat, or five cats. Possibly ten. Even better, I would like my side gig to be the caretaker at a cat sanctuary.”
Trapper Rick was a cat lady in disguise with a big heart. I liked the boys when I’d met them a month ago as myself, and I liked them today as… not myself. “I shall grant your requests. However, I do have a question. What is this business you’d like to run in Hell?”
