10
ASTRID
My entire bodytingled with anticipation—it was the rush that came with walking into unpredictable danger and making sure that I stayed alive with all my appendages intact. Much of being an Immortal consisted of life mimicking a storm in a teacup. Then there were days like today… a tsunami in a shot glass. Every inch of my skin felt like a live wire. Gemma and The Kev—the rulers of Zanthia—had been searching for the Fairy Gang, albeit unsuccessfully so far. The barbaric group had eluded The Kev and his army for weeks. The fact that he’d been hunting them and coming up empty handed was shocking. The Kev was one of the true badasses of the Universe. Even Uncle Fucker gave The Kev a wide berth. He was also one of my dearest friends. The Kev had taught me how to fight when I’d been a newly turned Vampyre. I adored the Fairy and trusted him with my life. Eliminating the scum who had been terrorizing Zanthia, and now London, would be my honor and pleasure—a gift to both Gemma and The Kev.
Lizard was to my right, and Uncle Fucker to my left. We had our game faces on but we were dressed like idiots. That was the point. No one was scared of idiots.
They should be.
Satan held up a hand before we entered. “We go in quietly and we assess the situation. Stay together. If there are humans present, Lizard, get them out then rejoin us.”
“Yes, my liege,” he replied.
Satan nodded. “Astrid, the place is riddled with Immortals. I can sense them.”
“I’ll second that shit,” I replied. “Unless attacked by others, our target is the gang and only the gang. If you see Critter Steve and Trapper Rick, you will not accidentally end them. Am I clear, Pussycat?”
“Quite, Dickie,” he shot back. “Plus, I don’t want to end them anymore. They’re far more useful to me in dispelling the rumor. Oh, and when you reveal my cock, I’d like you to strut around the room so everyone who isn’t headless at that point can witness the greatness of my rod.”
“Umm…” I wasn’t sure what to do with that. He was so wrong if he thought I was going to strut the room like a runway model with his wank out and bouncing around. However, there was no time for a Devil tantrum. I wasn’t a terrific liar, but I could rise to the occasion when necessary. It was necessary. “Sure.”
“Excellent,” he said. “Shall we extinguish the excrement?”
I nodded. “We shall.”
We slipped in without notice even though the rusty door squeaked loudly. We were simply horribly dressed Immortal American tourists with very little power. Our trio was no threat to the occupants in the room.
Yet…
The air was stagnant and the tension was palpable. Several of the smarter customers quietly made their way to the door and left. The snooker parlor was as seedy on the inside as it was on the outside. There were only three tables for gaming. Banquette seating rimmed the open and smelly establishment.The leather on the seating was worn and cracked. At one time, it was red. Now it was a faded pink in color and stained with God only knew what. A bar in the center dominated the dilapidated area. An unfamiliar Vamp stood behind the bar with a wide and unhinged grin on his face. If I wasn’t mistaken, he winked at Lizard. If he was hitting on Lizard as a woman, he had to be blind. I wasn’t sure if the undead weirdo was enjoying the fucked-up unease in the parlor, or if he was just batshit crazy and attracted to ugly women. Didn’t matter. He wasn’t our target.
The Fairy Gang was not here to play snooker. That was abundantly clear as the huge men ambled around destroying the tables and banquettes while threatening people with vicious looking weapons. They’d already beaten one Vamp to a pulp. He lay moaning on the ground missing his legs and an arm. The appendages were already growing back, but it pissed me off big time. Mentally, I started a score card in my head. Before ending the violent stains on the world, I’d dismember them. An eye for an eye sort of thing.
“All Immortals in here,” Satan whispered. “Mostly Demons. A few Vamps, and I spot three Angels along with the Fairy Gang.”
I nodded. He was correct. The total in the room minus the ten Fairies and the few who’d slipped away into the night was about twenty. I didn’t spot Cred anywhere. Nor did I see her goat. That wasn’t good. We needed to remove the bizarre homeless woman. If she got caught in the crossfire of the shitshow that was about to go down, I doubted she would make it out alive. However, I immediately recognized Critter Steve and Trapper Rick. The two Demons were surrounded by six of the Fairy Gang, and it wasn’t going well for them.
“Lady Cred?” Lizard muttered softly.
“I don’t see her,” I told him. “No time to search. I’m pretty sure Critter Steve and Trapper Rick are about to bite it.”
“Roger that,” Lizard replied. “Good news.”
I squinted at him. “Are you mental? What’s good about this situation?”
He grinned. “Fucker behind the bar is Wipe.”
Satan’s mouth fell open. “The one with four assholes and a baseball embedded in his armpit?”
“The one and only,” Lizard confirmed. “He knows it’s me. He’ll be valuable. Trust me on that. He’s fuckin’ insane.”
I had so many questions and no time to ask them.
“You failed,” a Fairy, who I assumed was the leader, roared at Critter Steve as he sliced the poor Demon’s face open from his forehead to his lips with a dagger. “And now you’ll pay.”
“Not our fault,” Critter Steve cried out, bleeding profusely and trying to shield himself from the onslaught of the knife. “We planted the rumor as commanded. Nothing happened.”
“It’s true,” Trapper Rick insisted, stepping in front of his buddy. The Demon shook like a leaf. “We told the Vampyre’s Chosen One that the Devil’s manhood is tiny. Maybe she didn’t tell him. We did what you said to do.”
