“Would hiring someone to decapitate them negate the promise?” he inquired.
“Umm… yes.”
“You’re a tough negotiator,” he said.
I sighed. “This shouldn’t even be a freaking negotiation,” I pointed out. “It’s common decency.”
“And disparaging my cock is decent?” he demanded, shocked.
Shaking my head, I laughed. “It’s not nice,” I conceded. “But let’s give them a chance to explain.”
“I can still electrocute them?” he asked.
“Twice,” I confirmed.
“Each?”
He was making me want to electrocute him. “Yes. Each.”
“Very well then,” he said. “What do you want to know about the cretins?”
I considered my words. Satan was notorious for skirting issues and talking in circles until you forgot what you’d asked. Simple questions were the best.
“Both Critter Steve and Trapper Rick are Demons?”
“They are.”
“When was the last time you saw the Demons?”
He paused and thought. “1815.”
“In Hell?”
“Yessssss. In Hell. And to save you asking more moronic questions, I shall help this conversation along. They were insolent—and were punished. Critter Steve and Trapper Rick were sent to London to do hard labor as night soil men.”
“Night soil men?” I asked, confused.
Satan threw his hands in the air. He was so over me. I didn’t care. I was desperately searching for any reason at all to respect the dick. He was not helping.
“Lizard,” he said. “Can you take over here? I’m getting bored.”
“Yes, my liege,” he replied. “Night soil men operated in London from the medieval times right up to the 19thcentury.” He nodded and bowed.
“And?” I pressed. “What the heck did they do? What was so bad about being a night soil man that Uncle Fucker thought it was a good punishment?”
“Ahhh,” Lizard said. “Of course. Before there was indoor plumbing, Londoners had cesspits.”
“Nasty,” Jane commented.
“Word,” Martha added.
“Quite,” Lizard agreed. “Night soil men were tasked with collecting and removing the literal shit from the cesspits and slop pots of excrement and urine from homes.”
“Oh my God,” I said with a gag. “That’s awful.”
“They were called night soil men due to the fact they were required to work under the darkness of night. The soil stands for the poo and the men part is self-explanatory. The nights were also chosen because of the extreme stench of the work.”
“Disease,” I said softly. “How many night soil men died from disease?”
