“Mmkay,” I said, staying polite. Until Cred did something seriously fucked up, there was no reason to be rude. Her buddies weren’t necessarilytheSteve and Rick that Satan had his sights set on. I didn’t believe that, but I wouldn’t pounce until provoked. “These are our friends, Martha, Jane and Lizard.”
“I’d hardly call Martha and Jane friends,” Satan muttered.
If there wasn’t a human woman standing in front of us, I’d have punched him in the head.
“Pshaw!” Cred admonished the Devil. “Martha and Jane appear to be perfectly sweet, well-endowed ladies.”
Martha let out a belly laugh. “Lady might be fuckin’ pushin’ it, but thank you all the same, Cred.”
“What she said,” Jane agreed, grinning like a fool. “In fact,nice, nice,nicePussycat… I think from now on, you can call me Lady Jane.”
Pussycat froze and stood as still as a statue. It was petrifying. Even Cred seemed taken aback. I wasn’t sure if Uncle Fucker was about to lose it or about to transport back to Hell. Jane was walking on paper thin ice. If the Devil left, he and I were screwed. We didnotappreciate each other yet. I was beginning to regret bringing Martha, Jane, their boobs, and their big mouths along.
“Nope,” I cut in quickly. “As I recall from high school history, Lady Jane was beheaded for high treason. I’d seriously suggest just sticking with Jane, or you could go with Insert Foot into Mouth and Pull it Out of Your Ass with Flaming Pliers.”
Jane blanched then chuckled. “Got it. Think I’ll stick with Jane!”
“Lovely to meet all of you,” Cred said, patting the goat lovingly. “I’ll be off to snooker now. Take care!”
As she waddled away, I noticed Satan wiggle his fingers and launch a tiny apparatus at her. It attached itself to the fraying hem of her ragged skirt. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I had a good guess.
“Shall we take a stroll?” he inquired. “A brisk walk is what we need.”
“Not so fast,” I told him. “Did you just put a tracking device on Cred?”
He grinned. “Possibly.”
I rolled my eyes. He wanted to mess with Critter Steve and Trapper Rick badly. It was unclear if he would stick to the deal of refraining from decapitating them. If he lopped their heads off, we weren’t just screwed, we were fucked. There was nocoming back from ending the lives of people who’d poked fun at his wank. Respecting him would be impossible. For real. And I’d be stuck with a dick for the rest of time, and he’d be sporting a vagina.
It was time to waste a little time. It was possible that Cred could walk right out of the area that the device could track. It was doubtful, but I was reaching for straws at this point.
“Tell me about Critter Steve and Trapper Rick,” I said, blocking the path for Uncle Fucker to leave.
His brow arched. “I see what you’re doing.”
I shrugged. “Yep. I’d suggest you play along.”
“And if I don’t?”
“I’ll leave London and you’ll be the proud owner of a va-jay-jay for eternity,” I replied flatly.
“You wouldn’t,” he hissed.
“You want to test that?” I challenged.
The Devil wasn’t used to not getting his way. He despised it. “Should I remind you that you will forever be the proud owner of an enormous cock if you cut and run?”
He was correct. We were in a no-win situation, but I knew how to get under his skin. “I’ll just castrate myself every morning,” I announced as if I was talking about the weather. “And then I’ll ask Connie Raven Enid Delacroix for some boobs and a makeover. It’ll be fine,” I lied through my teeth.
I was digging a big fucking hole. If I wasn’t careful, I could bury myself alive, or dead if I was being technical.
“You’re an idiot,” Uncle Fucker said with a small smile playing at my lips. “An utter idiot. The backfire of your threat is astronomical.”
I tried not to grin back. I failed. “You got me,” I admitted. “Just promise me that you’re not going to kill Critter Steve and Trapper Rick. And no lying.”
Satan’s head fell back on my shoulders and he groaned dramatically. “What happens if I promise and then I slip on something, well… you know… slippery and in a panic while trying not to fall, I accidentally behead the fuckers?”
“Umm… no.”
