“Saying what?”
“That there must be a reason for why I am the way I am. You.Clara. Dan... They keep telling me I should get therapy. Speak to someone. Like there’s somethingwrongwith me.”
He shook his head, standing up. “We’re all people who care about you, that’s why,” he said. “I’m sure Zack would encourage it too if you gave him the chance. It only ever helps to talk, Daisy. And you do so much of it for other people, but rarely for yourself.” He bent down to pick up his bag.
Euston Station.
He had to go, or he’d miss his train.
“This is me. I better... I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No,” she said coldly. “You shouldn’t have.”
He moved to the double doors as they opened and he waited for her to look at him, but her gaze remained fixed on the world outside of the window.
“I guess I’ll... see you at the altar?” he shouted, allowing everyone else to leave first in case she acknowledged him, but she didn’t. He jumped off the bus and carted his bag toward the station.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Daisy
For the first time since starting her job five years ago, it wasn’t Daisy’s alarm that was rousing her from sleep. Instead she was pinging awake between 1:00 and 2:00 a.m. every night, and while her body was exhausted, her brain immediately kicked in with thoughts of Tom.Hello, stranger.She thought of how her heart had started racing instantly as she recognized the voice and looked up to see his face. She thought of the joy in being able to talk to him again. And then the ruminating thoughts would begin. The replaying of everything he’d said as she turned from side to side, counting down the minutes until she had to get up.
Daisy couldn’t quite remember or figure out when everything had turned. One minute she was delighting in their back-and-forth and the next she was utterly destroyed by him. Her head would whir through memories of their conversation, pulling out sentences and replaying them on repeat. She’d switch between anger and sadness and something a little more complicated, depending on which part she thought about.
How dare he imply that she used Zack as an excuse to not go after her dreams? How dare he say she was holding herself back when he hadn’t been there the last few weeks. He hadno idea what she’d been doing. Except he’d been right, hadn’t he? She’d just given up on the job and believed Zack when he told her it wasn’t the right time. Because she trusted Zack and she always had, but there was one sentence of Tom’s that Daisy couldn’t stop hearing.
I’m sure Zack would encourage it too.
On the bus to work a few days after she last saw Tom, she reached into the front pocket of her backpack and there it was, just where she’d returned it. The card Clara had handed her. The therapist details that Zack had actively discouraged Daisy from using. Who knew her best? Three people who cared about her, or her fiancé? Daisy went back and forth over that question, remembering the reasons everyone had given. Clara wanted Daisy to talk about her past and to see whether the therapeutic relationship she had with Zack was as unique and significant as she believed it to be. Dan wanted Daisy to learn how to be happy and to find it within herself. Tom wanted Daisy to achieve all her dreams and to find out what was holding her back. And Zack? Zack said Daisy had him and didn’t need anyone else. If she really thought about it, that wasn’t a reason for her not to go, whereas the others were all quite valid reasons why she should. The question was, what didshewant? That was a question she couldn’t yet answer, and perhaps that was an answer in itself.
Daisy turned the card over and over in her hand, staring down at it as she rode the N73, feeling Tom’s body beside her, his frustration and insistence pulsating through her, even though today the seat was empty. It couldn’t do any harm just to email her, could it? Just one session before the wedding. And while Zack might be disappointed that Daisy didn’t confide in him, he couldn’t be angry. There was nothing to be angry about.
When Carol Dickens replied that same morning with a cancellation slot for 2:00 p.m., Daisy added it to the diary she sharedwith Zack as a hair trim and worked through her shift with a nervous energy that kept her fingers moving fast across the keyboard until it was time to leave.
Carol led Daisy into a room at the back of her house in Fitzrovia, having greeted her at the door with a warm smile, her graying hair pulled back in a ponytail. The room had a sofa covered in a cream fleece blanket, with a chest in the middle and tissues sitting on top of it. Opposite the sofa and chest was a single chair.
Carol directed Daisy to the sofa and took the chair facing her.
“What brings you here, Daisy?” she asked in a gentle tone. The same gentle tone that Zack used to use, and in fact still did sometimes. That was okay though. Maybe it was part of their training. That was nothing to worry about. Daisy settled into the softness of the blanket behind her, preparing to talk. It was just one session, and that was all. She could manage that and then she could tell everyone she’d done it and they could all stop bringing it up. They could leave her to get on with her life.
Daisy started talking. She told Carol about what she watched her mother go through as a child and the guilt that came with wishing her dad would leave and then him dying. She spoke about her inability to put herself forward for the job she’d always wanted. Carol listened, dropping in the odd question. Asking Daisy about her home life and her relationship, her friendships and how she spent an average day. Daisy tried to be as honest as possible. It was the only chance she was going to get. She even admitted to Carol how she met Zack, because all of it was important, and if Daisy was going to get to the bottom of who she was as a person, she had to be honest about who she was now and how she’d come to be that way. Zack wouldn’t be happy about it, but that wasn’t enough to stop her, because Tom was right. As someone who loved her, Zack should want this for her.
Carol sat with her head tilted slightly to one side, her eyes focused on Daisy the whole time. When she had finally finished talking, Carol paused, and Daisy could see that she was sifting through everything for what it was that was needed. She was pulling everything apart to find something that would help.
“Often,” Carol said, warm brown eyes on Daisy’s face. “If a child has witnessed abuse, it can lead to an attachment style where you avoid anything that draws attention to yourself.” She pressed her hands together and placed them between her knees, leaning forward. Daisy had heard all this before. She knew what was coming next. All the avoidant stuff. Everything Zack always said to her. That she needed to stay in her comfort zone. Not stretch herself. That she was afraid of commitment. “Feeling exposed can leave you feeling very unsafe, so to protect yourself you keep yourself locked away and hidden from anything that might make you stand out. You pair up with a partner who, by the very nature of his career, feels safe to you. You won’t put yourself forward for a job because any attention feels dangerous to you.” She paused, saying the next words slowly. “If you can’t be seen or heard, you can’t be harmed.” Daisy felt her throat closing up as she squeezed her eyes tightly shut, sinking further back into the sofa. My God that was it, wasn’t it? All of it. How had she not seen it before? “That behavior served you as a child, Daisy,” she continued in a soft voice, her head tilting to one side. “But it doesn’t serve you now.”
Daisy looked up, eyes wide. Carol was going off script. Itstillserved her. That’s what she’d always been told.
“It’s going to be hard and frightening, but if you can find other ways to keep yourself safe while expanding that circle of comfort, everything in your world will be more bright and more brilliant than ever before.” She widened her eyes, as if to highlight the point. “Start small, like the hen weekend you mentioned. It can take a little while to outgrow some very ingrainedbeliefs you have about yourself, but you can begin the changes immediately, and you might be surprised by how quickly you start to feel differently. About everything, but mostly about yourself.”
Daisy stared back at Carol whose eyes were alight, seemingly with enthusiasm for the future that lay ahead for her client.
“Bit by bit, you’ll feel ready for greater exposure. And when you’re ready for that, Daisy, you will live the greatest life it’s possible to live. I promise there is so much more out there for you if you break through the barriers and free yourself.”
When Zack walked through the front door that evening, Daisy felt her entire body stiffen. She was pulling a home-cooked lasagna out of the oven, having needed something to keep herself busy. Quite honestly it felt like a total waste of time when you could buy a really delicious one from the supermarket for less than the ingredients cost, but Zack loved a home-cooked meal and it somehow seemed to cancel out some of the guilt Daisy was feeling at the thoughts racing through her mind. The knot in her stomach that twisted tighter with every minute that passed.
“Nice hair,” he said, leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek.
