“Thanks,” Daisy said, turning to press a hand to her chest. She almost couldn’t look at him and that wasn’t fair. He hadn’t done anything wrong, so why did she feel like he had?
She served up the food and carried the plates over to the table where Zack had already sat down.
“Yum, thank you, sweetheart,” he said, smiling up at her, as she tried to still her hand which was shaking as she lowered the food in front of him.
“You’re welcome,” she said, her throat dry. “Water,” she added aloud, going to the sink and downing a glass before refilling it. She placed one in front of Zack and sat opposite him.
Cutting into the lasagna, she watched with satisfaction as the creamy sauce oozed out of the sides. She’d added extra, and for a moment she was mesmerized by the sight of it spilling over and moving slowly toward the edges of her plate in a gloopy stream.
“Uh-oh,” Zack said, cutting into his own food, his eyes on Daisy’s face. She looked up.
“What?”
“I thought this might happen, the closer we got to the wedding.” He circled his fork, pointing it at her face.
“What’s happened?” she asked, licking her top lip.
“You,” he said. “It’s okay.” He dropped his fork onto his plate and reached across, stroking her hand. “You’re going to get more and more quiet as we count down to the big day. You’re going to feel like running away. I’m just calling it out so you know that it’s all part of your personality.”
The knot tightened, and Daisy swallowed. “I’m okay.”
“I’m worried about this weekend with Clara,” he said, pushing some lasagna onto his fork. “I don’t know that it’s a good idea.”
“Why?”
“Because you never go away.”
“Isn’t that a reasontogo?” Daisy asked with a laugh, thinking back to her session earlier that day. About how important these small steps were for her.
“Perhaps for a normal person,” Zack said, pushing the lasagna into his mouth without so much as murmuring about the white sauce. Daisy imagined picking the entire slab of it off his plate, turning and throwing it at the wall, right beside Dan’s potatoes.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know its full name, right? Love AvoidantPersonality Disorder. It’s like you don’t take it seriously.”
“I just don’t want it to define me and control my life.”
“Babe, with my help it’ll do the opposite. That’s what I’m here for, remember? To guide you through it.”
“Your way.” It was out of her mouth before she could stop it. Her head was a dizzy mix of Carol’s words and Clara’s concern and Tom. Tom’s assurance that Zack would want Daisy in therapy if it would help her, when she was starting to wonder if it might be the opposite. If he had done everything in his power to stop her from hearing any other viewpoint but his.
“Excuse me?”
“Well, surely there are a few different ways to work through it is all I meant?”
Zack squinted at her, still chewing. He leaned back in his chair, breathing in through his nose. “Sure,” he said. “Of course. Sorry.”
“That’s—”
“I forgot you were an expert on personality disorders. That you studied the human mind for years and had to give it all up for this.” He signaled his hand between the two of them. “Six years.Six yearsI was helping people with this kind of stuff. Do you think I wanted to end up at ahotel?” He grimaced, creamy sauce lining his teeth. “I loved my job. I was good at my job. And I gave my job up, foryou. Because I couldn’t resist you. That’s why I admitted my feelings for you. That’s why I kept booking you in. That’s why I kept assuring you the right man was out there for you.”
A memory appeared, something Daisy had never been brave enough to bring up again. “You actually actively discouraged me from dating. You asked to see messages from one of them and told me he sounded like he would manipulate me.”
“He did. He spoke with emojis.”
“Everyone speaks with emojis. You asked me to write a letter to my future self about everything I wanted and read it aloud to you in a session.” Suddenly Daisy was scanning back throughall her appointments with Zack. What was it Dan had said? Something about realizing you’re responsible for which version of your life you live. Had she done that too? Changed her own memories? Lied to herself?
“And haven’t I given you everything you wanted in that letter?” He raised his voice, the tendons in his neck protruding as he turned red in the face. “I have done everything in my power to make you happy. I have done everything possible tokeep you,” he shouted, slamming his fork down on the table. “Keep you safe,” he added quietly, correcting himself as the bang from the fork rang out across the kitchen.
