“Exactly,” Daisy said, turning to him, her eyes lighting up, but still more dull than he’d seen them in the past. “But actually it’s quite liberating to do it for yourself. Terrifying, but liberating. I’m afraid the doves at the wedding are nonnegotiable though, so good luck photographing those. Zack has a whole vision. Both of them flying in different directions, because apparently you can control that. Me leaning back, staring at them in awe, Zack with delight on his face. Blue sky. Some snow...” Her voice faded at the mention of snow and she looked away.
Tom saw a flash of her in his head, standing on Tottenham Court Road with the flake on the end of her nose. The one he’d reached up to brush away.
“I’ll do my best,” he said, pushing the memory away. “You seem different,” he added, because it was all he could think about.
“It was an eventful Christmas. Dan came back.”
Tom broke into a grin. “That’s amazing.” He already didn’t want the journey to end. He had so much to say. So many questions. “So he was okay?”
“He was...” She glanced down at her hands, seeminglysearching for the words. “Sort of okay. He’s getting there. Wait, but how are you? More importantly, how are you and Sophie? Sorry. That’s dismissive. You are important separate to you and Sophie, so you answer whichever of those you’d like to.”
He laughed at her awareness of what she’d said, and was grateful for the separation she’d provided between the two. “I’m good,” he said. “Work’s good. Sort of same old, but good. I got offered a job in South Korea, though I’m not sure if I’ll take it.”
“What is it?”
“It’s portraits of some of the survivors of the plane crash, to raise money for a charity there.”
“Why wouldn’t you take that?”
He frowned. He hadn’t taken it yet because Sophie had never mentioned it again, and suddenly that made no sense to him. It wasn’t up to her.
“You’re right,” he said, smiling as the bus announced the stop for King’s Cross. “I should stop waiting for people to make the decisions for me. It’s exactly the sort of work I want to be doing.”
“Well, quite.” She looked out the window, turning back suddenly. “I haven’t seen you since your exhibition. It was stunning, Tom. It didn’t just please the eyes, it sort of soothed the soul as well. It was a gift, to be surrounded by joy like that.” Her face flushed slightly, the way it seemed to when she gave a compliment, and Tom felt his heart swell at the sight of it.
He swallowed. “Thank you for saying that. It was so important to me that people felt that way.”
“Well, I did,” she said. “And you and Sophie?”
He thought of her now, asleep in his bed, the scent of Gucci Rush against his pillows. He thought about how irregularly he was seeing her and whether he was okay with that. He remembered her words about his exhibition. “I loved it, especially the one of me.” Then he remembered how much effort Daisy had put into helping him to get her back.
“We’re good,” he said. “I guess it’s taking a bit of adjusting, which I wasn’t expecting, but we’re good.”
She nodded. “That make sense. You got used to a life without her, pining daily on the bus aside.” She leaned toward him, shoving him with her shoulder, and the action felt so familiar to him.
“Well it paid off, thanks to you.”
She shook her head. “Thanks toOrlando.”
“I thought you were all about doing things for yourself? That means owning the fact it was your help that did this.”
He thought he saw a wave of sadness cross her face, but if he did, she shrugged it away. “True. I’ll take it. Go me!” Was that sarcasm in her voice? It sounded like it, but that didn’t make any sense.
“How’s work?” he asked, as someone stepped onto the bus, a hood pulled over their head, the bottom half of their face lit up by the brightness of a phone screen. “Applied for a new job yet?”
Daisy flinched. “No. I’m just trying to do more investigative stuff in my current job, instead.”
“Right,” he said, not realizing how much he’d hoped for her to have made some sort of change since he last saw her. “Still holding yourself back, I see?” He couldn’t help but sound a little frustrated. She was capable of so much more. Of everything she put her mind to. He didn’t understand why she couldn’t see that about herself.
“It’s not the right—”
“Time,” he interrupted, unable to stop himself. “So you keep saying, but I actually think that’s bullshit, Daisy. I think there are way bigger reasons as to why you won’t put yourself forward. Why you go home and make Zack talk you out of it so you can stay stuck in the life you don’t even want while letting it all be someone else’s fault.” He realized now that he’d been worrying about her ever since he last saw her. Worryingbecause for whatever reason he felt like he couldn’t reach out to her, and if he wasn’t going to encourage her to make the most of her brilliant life, it seemed no one else would either and that didn’t feel right. That was such a waste of a person like her. Why didn’t she have other people around, telling her how special she was? “You’re the smartest, most talented person I know, and you can’t even see that. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to believe so wholeheartedly in someone who doesn’t believe in themselves?” He reached up, pulling at his hair, before dropping his hand back down. “There has to be a reason for it. A reason for why someone as incredible as you doesn’t think they can do this stuff, because you can. You should. Youdeserveto.” He squeezed his fists together as he watched her take in his words.
Daisy shifted upward in her seat, shoulders high and face pinched. “I don’t blame Zack for any of this. This ismychoice.Mylife.Iget to choose when I’m ready, and I’m not yet. Not everyone’s like you, Tom. For some people it’s too hard. They’re not confident. They’re not brave enough. Just because you get to do exactly what you want all the time, doesn’t mean everyone can.” Tears filled her eyes and her bottom lip was wobbling. My God, what had he done?
“I’m sorry. I...” He looked around, noticing too late they were approaching Euston. This wasn’t the way he’d planned for the journey to go. He’d missed her so much. He had ached with wanting to catch up with her and hear all her news and instead he’d bulldozed her with advice when it wasn’t his place. He forgot how much she listened to him, how fixed she became on his words. It normally made him so careful with what he said. It made him want to make everything count. That’s what he thought he was doing. He’d got it all so wrong.
“Why do people keep saying that to me?” she said gently.
