I sit and stare at the jugs and tankards on the mantelpiece above the fire. They’ve been there as long as I remember and they’re weird. They’re animal shapes. Fox, cow, fish, parrot, frog, you name it. Who wants to drink out of a cow’s backside? And how many times have Vinny and I sat here and enjoyed a pint together? If I weren’t too miserable about Flavia to care, I’d be pretty sad at the prospect of losing his friendship too.
The door opens and Vinny walks in.
‘Pint?’ he asks as he approaches. He looks serious but not actually angry right now. Surprising.
‘Already got us both one.’ I indicate the table. I know what he drinks; he’s a man of habit when it comes to his beer.
He’s barely in his seat before he says, ‘Mate, you’ve upset my sister.’
I wince. ‘Yeah. Apparently. I am so sorry.’
Vinny doesn’t reply, he just indicates with his head, a raised eyebrow and narrowed eyes that I should really elaborate.
Obviously, on the one hand, I do not owe him any explanation. Flavia and I are both independent adults. This is nothing to do with him.
However, firstly he is a very good friend and there’s obviously the whole ‘you do not mess with your friend’s sister’ code, secondly I love that he cares so much about Flavia, and thirdly and most importantly I feel terrible that I’ve upset someone, especially a woman who I care very, very much about. She’s a wonderful, kind, amazing woman, who would never knowingly upset someone herself.
But also… I did the right thing. I know I did. And suddenly I really want to point that out. And I think I want Vinny to tell Flavia how much I care about her and how if I were a better person who could offer commitment I would always, always want to be with her, assuming she were single and wanted to be with me.
So I say again, ‘I’m so sorry,’ and then I continue, ‘Upsetting Flavia is the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. Which is why we’re in the situation we’re currently in. I’ve been trying hardnotto upset her.’
‘Right.’ Vinny takes a drink. ‘Feel like you’ve failed, though?’
‘Well, yes and no.’
‘From where I’m standing, just yes?’
I shake my head. ‘Short-term yes, long-term no.’
Vinny shakeshishead. ‘I’m not getting that.’
I sigh internally. I feel like I’ve said enough but apparently I’m going to have to elaborate. I can see that Vinny isn’t going anywhere until he deems this conversation finished, and that is clearly not going to happen without him having a lot more details.
‘I wreck relationships,’ I say. ‘As do the rest of my family. We all know that’s true; it’s why you texted me at New Year. I have a lot of exes and quite a few of them still haven’t forgiven me even though I always do my best to make it very clear that I’m not available for long-term commitment. And I care very deeply about Flavia. A lot. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to make her upset. So this is better. She might be a little bit upset now, but it’s clearly way worse to finish a relationship several months or years down the line. It’s obviously better never to begin it properly.’
‘So at New Year you obviously got quite close?’
I wince again. This is not something I want to be discussing with anyone except Flavia, and especially not with herbrother. I think I do have to answer him. I’m really not prepared to share any details, though.
So I say, ‘Yes.’
Vinny raises an eyebrow and I nod once, and then we both take a long drink.
And then neither of us says anything for a while.
Vinny’s looking thoughtful. I’m looking at the weird jugs again, hoping that we can finish this drink very soon, and also wondering if there’s any way I can ask him if Flavia is back with Jed. I feel like the answer is surely no given what she said last night. On balance, I’m thinking it really wouldn’t help right now if I asked, though. I’ll find out another time, maybe at Judith and Mike’s wedding.
He takes another sip and then asks, ‘You happy now?’
‘I mean…’ What? What kind of a question is that? It’s a big one, too big. It’s a stupid question. ‘Sort of.’
‘Are you happy not being with Flavia?’ he continues. ‘Are you missing her? Do you love her?’
I blink. That is… not the kind of question anyone really asks you, especially the brother of the woman you’re talking about. Even though I think I do want Flavia to know that, yes, of course I care about her, and Vinny is probably the only person who can tell her on my behalf.
Vinny just sips his pint and waits.
And I… squirm. Which is not a thing I usually do.
