We reward ourselves with another baby Guinness each.
We survive through each round. Iparticularlythrow myself into the relationship-break-up songs like ‘I Will Survive’ and ‘Flowers’, and turn round during both of those to danceatDominic, with a lot of pokes to his chest on the more appropriate lines, during which he basically looks a little terrified. Each time we make it through to the next round, we reward ourselves with another shot.
I saywereward ourselves. I’m not sure weallhave a shot each time. But I do. I like them. They’re very nice. Why wouldn’t I keep on drinking them?
By the time we’re declared the winners, I’ve danced so much I could have done a 10K with fewer steps, and I amtired. I’m also struggling to get my eyes to focus on things. I do know a thing or two, though, and I suddenly realise, when we’ve all hugged each other, which has of course involved me and Dominic sharing a brief hug, just the two of us, that I have things to say to him.
‘Dominic,’ I say, with great authority. We’re still standing on the stage where we’ve just accepted our prize (a box of Maltesers each – someone’s really pushed the boat out).
‘Flavia?’
‘We need to talk.’ I pull him by the sleeve to the corner of the stage and manage to step off it very, very well. I trip but I save myself extremely cleverly by holding on to a table and the wall. I am very, very,verygood at getting off stages it seems.
‘I would love to talk to you,’ Dominic says, ‘but you’re very drunk and I don’t want you to regret this conversation in the morning, so I’m thinking maybe we should have it tomorrow.’
‘Drunk?’ I exclaim. ‘You think I’m drunk?’
‘Yep,’ he confirms.
‘Oh dear.’ I’m suddenly very sad. ‘Maybe I am. Maybe I should just go to bed.’ I focus hard on him. ‘As you know, we do not go to bed together. I would be going to bed alone. I would like to make that clear. I have no expectation of going to bed with you.’
‘Absolutely.’ Dominic looks very serious. Or alarmed. I can’t really tell because he’s looking very, very blurry for some reason.
‘Good then. So.’ I stagger slightly away from him. ‘I’m going to go home and go to bed.’
‘I think you should have a very large glass of water first and maybe some toast.’
‘I do not need your dietary advice, thank you very much,’ I announce haughtily. Then I turn to everyone within hearing, which is basically everyone full stop because my voice is emerging way more loudly than I expect it to, and decide to make a further announcement.
‘Everyone,’ I shout. I’m pleased to say that they all turn round. ‘I’m going to bed. Very much alone. Very, very, very much alone. Very muchsansDominic. And that, by the way, is French for without. Goodnight, everyone. Goodnight, Dominic. Off I go, to my solitary bed. By myself. All alone.Toute seule.’ (I’ve just started going to a French evening class.)
And then I march myself out of the pub, only bumping into a few people and a couple of walls and other obstacles, like tables, on my way out.
Vinny follows me.
‘Flav,’ he says.
‘Mmm.’ I’m busy dealing with howcoldthe air is. It’s good actually. My head was feeling a tiny bit fuzzy in there. Now it still feels fuzzy but a bit less fuzzy. Although, also, I feel really, really sick now.
‘Are you okay?’ Vinny puts his arm round my shoulders.
The pressure does something bad and I shriek, ‘Move,’ before vomiting on the ground in front of us.
At which point, obviously,obviously, Dominic Bloody Rock pops up and says, ‘Er, goodnight.’
‘Good bloody night,’ I hiccup miserably.
20
DOMINIC
It’s the evening after Vinny’s birthday drinks, and I’m sitting in the village pub waiting for him. There are a lot of things I’d rather be doing right now, like having pins stuck under my fingernails or walking barefoot across broken glass.
The fact is that Vinny told me in his New Year’s text to leave his sister alone (fair enough given my reputation). Then last night Flavia basically implied extremely heavily that the two of us did at one point sleep together. She also implied that she is very upset. And then Vinny texted me at two thirty this morning saying it would be great to have an early evening drink today at six thirty.
Clearly, all those things are linked. And clearly, I am not going to enjoy this drink.
It’s six twenty-five and I’ve already been here for five minutes. No point pissing your friend off further by being late on top of the whole ‘yes I did sleep with your sister and yes you were right to warn me off, as yes she is apparently now very upset’ thing.
