It was slow at first, a leaking of water from my eyes without actually crying. But the longer my grandma and I stood there facing one another, the more the walls crumbled. The silent tears went to full blown ugly crying. My voice came out in fitful wails and my body shook from the sheer force ofmysobs.
I heard my grandma say something softly under her breath, so soft I couldn’t understand the words, but knew from her tone it came from a place of love. And the next instant her arms were wrapped tightly around me, letting me lean into her. Whether it was comfort or pity, I was beyond caring. I just missed my grandma and needed this. I didn’t realize how much I needed to let myself breakagain.
My grandma let me cry until the tears dried on their own, never rushing me and making me feel like an inconvenience. When I was done, I stepped away, leaving the safety of her embrace. I wiped my eyes on my shirt and looked at a large wet spot on her shirt my tears hadcaused.
“I’m sorry,” I said, pointing to theoffendingspot.
“Don’t be,” she said with so much love, tears threatened to come back. “I told you. No one expects you to be done grieving over your mom. It doesn’t work like that.” She put her arm over my shoulder and led me to the living room and back to that stupid couch that had taken too many precious hours from me. “Sitdown.”
“I don’t know what’s going on,” I said honestly, as I found a comfortable sitting position. “I thought I was doing better. I made friends in Idaho and was actually happy. And then,” I started thinking of Julian and the fight I had witnessed that had frightened me so much. “Something happened and I lost it. It was like losing my mom all over again. I can’texplainit.”
“Oh, Katie.” My grandmother grabbed my hands in hers. “Loss is a strange thing. It makes us react in ways we don’t understand. Your grandpa has organized and reorganized the shed more times than I can count since you’ve been gone. It’s driving me crazy. He barely even has time to work on anything because he’s devoting all his time to the prep. It’s how he’scoping.”
“I’d say that’s prettyharmless.”
“Of course it is. But it doesn’t make it any more rational. You need to give yourself time and space to cry. When I encouraged you to go to Idaho, I wasn’t trying to make you stop being sad. I didn’t think you should stop missing your mom. I miss hereveryday.”
“Iknow.”
“But I also did it because it’s not okay to sit around and be a zombie either. You need to find yourbalance.”
“Iknow,” Irepeated.
“No, honey, I don’t think you do. You have been hiding. Hiding from your feelings in Idaho, hiding from your future on this couch. You need to figure out what you’re going to do. Are you going to run and hide? Or do you want to face both your feelings and your future head-oninstead?”
“It’s going to be hard to do that. I wouldn’t even know how tostart.”
“No one said it was easy. You’ve been dealt a hard hand, Katie. But it doesn’t mean life is impossible. Or that you’re the only one facing struggles. Take some time to figure it out. Go for a walk. Take a trip to the coffee shop. Do not stay in this house any longer,granddaughter.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I saluted herplayfully.
“Now, I’m going to go back home and let your Papa know everything is okay here. That will give you a chance to shower and get yourself out of thehouse.”
The doorbell rang as she said this and we both looked toward the door. “I guess my pizza isfinallyhere.”
“Well, this works out perfectly, because in my hurry to make sure you were okay, I didn’t start dinner. I’ll take that home for us and that will force you to leave the house in search of other options,” she said, kissing my cheek before standing up. “I’ll even pay for thedelivery.”
“I love you,grandma.”
“I love you, too. But don’t you dare scare me like this again. Do youunderstand?”
“Iunderstand.”
“And call your dad while you’re at it. I’m not sure what happened to have you leaving like a bat out of hell. But he’s worriedaboutyou.”
I bet he was. I hadn’t stopped to explain what I was thinking when I packed up and left. I hadn’t really understood what was going on enough to begin to explain. “I will,grandma.”
She looked at me for another second, as though trying to decide if she believed me before going to the door and getting the pizza. “I’ll call you later,honey.”
“Soundsgood.”
And then shewasgone.
I was left to think through what shehadsaid.
ChapterTwenty-Two
Julian
