Julian turned his flashlight off before quickly grabbing mine and hitting the button on it as well. This was not the type of darkness your eyes eventually adjusted to. No, it was the kind that made you hope and pray those flashlights would turn back on when it was timetogo.
While I wouldn’t consider myself especially scared of the dark or confined spaces, the combination of the two mixed with the uncertainly of what was going on made mepanic.
My breaths came faster, they were shallower. My hand was still holding Julian’s, an anchor in the darkness and vastness of the space. But that didn’t stop my skin from feeling clammy against his. He gave my hand a light squeeze and took a deep breath. I swore it shook a little in the silence ofthecave.
“I have a hard time opening up, Katie. Every time I do, I’m betrayed by the people I care about. The same ones I thought caredaboutme.”
What an awful feeling. I had no words, so I waited for him tocontinue.
“I’m not ready for this thing between us to be over. Whether we end up being together, or realize we’re better off friends. I don’t want to lose you. Notagain.”
“I’m not goinganywhere.”
“You saythatnow.”
“I mean it,Julian.”
He let out a sad laugh that was little more than a forceful breath leaving his lips. “My life is pretty messed up. I don’t know if it’s fair to drag you into it. But I’m so damnselfish.”
“It can’t be that bad,” Iargued.
He kept speaking, ignoring my words. “I used to be a big deal, you know. The wrestling star, big man on campus. Whatever you want tocallit.”
Big man on campus?What was this, the eighties? But, more importantly, it seemed like I kept attaching myself to people who used to be popular and were now living life after their fall from grace. First Gwen, and now Julian. Maybe they found comfort in knowing they each knew, to a degree, what the other person was going through. Like calls to like andallthat.
“What happened?” Iasked.
“My dad. My brother. They both disappeared. Now I’m left trying to take care ofmymom.”
“Okay. But this doesn’t explain why people seem tohateyou.”
Another sad laugh. “Not going to sugarcoat it,areyou?”
“Sorry.”
“You’re right. People do hate me,” he said before telling me all about his dad leaving, his brother doing drugs and constantly seeking him out just to push him around. My heart broke as he told me about Michelle spreading rumors and Tyler abandoning him when he opened uptohim.
No wonder he was hesitant to tell meanything.
“I’m so sorry,” I said again, when Julian had finished telling me. I wasn’t surprised to feel tears sliding down mycheeks.
It was overwhelming. To think Julian had given up his dreams to take care of his mom. The love he felt for her, to put her first in the face of the trials he’d been experienced thesemonths.
“Are you ready torun,yet?”
“I’m still not going anywhere,” I said. I reached out to grab his other hand. We stood there holding both of our hands in each other’s, facing one another, even though we stillcouldn’tsee.
I had a sudden sense of clarity as we stood there together. The same way I couldn’t stand to see pity in other people’s eyes when they heard about my mom’s death, I didn’t think Julian wanted to see pity in my eyes. He’d given up so much, but he wanted to hold on to the pride thatremained.
I didn’t want to be responsible for taking that away. I wanted to comfort, I wanted to soothe. I needed to choose my next stepcarefully.
In this dark space, we were safe from judging looks, pitying looks. We were just two people baring our souls to one another. So instead of feeling sorry for Julian, I shared a secretwithhim.
“I’ve been so afraid I won’t get back to normal. When I’m with you, I get these glimpses of it. I worry that if I didn’t have you, I’d be stuck in a downwardspiral.”
“Really?”
“That’s crazy,right?”
