“Probably. But I’m glad you feel thisconnectiontoo.”
We went back and forth sharing secrets in the dark. Sharing fears, our hopes before things got in the way, embarrassing moments from high school. It broke down any remaining walls between us. We skipped the months of slowly getting to know each other and went straight to the deep parts of us that madeustick.
The mask of darkness chased away any reservationsIhad.
Who knows how long we stayed down there whispering to one another. Hands still joined, but nothing more. We didn’t even attempt to move closer to one another. It didn’t matter that we stood apart. It was more intimate than any other moment I’d had withaboy.
Laughter and squeals of delight burst forth from the other end of the cave. The noise put a stop to our secret promises. With a final squeeze of my hands, Julian let go and I heard him shuffling though his bag to find the flashlights. When he turned the first one on, I was blinded by the brightness coming from that single beam oflight.
I blinked my eyes quickly, trying to force my eyes toadjust.
When Julian turned on the second flashlight, he handed it to me before grabbing my free hand inhisown.
“Our timeisup.”
“It seems like it,” I said, looking over to him. His eyes were focused on my face. “Thank you, Julian, for all of this. For sharing your secrets, for listening to mine. For knowing it’s not always easy toopenup.”
“Thank you for staying. For trusting me,” he said, before he looked away leading us toward the entrance ofthecave.
The voices of the other people down here got louder, and I saw it was a family. It was like looking into a memory. The family consisted of a mom, dad and a boy no older than ten. The dad kept saying things that made his son laugh. There was obviously a great deal of lovebetweenthem.
After opening up to Julian, and so much of that pertaining to the loss of my mom and the strained relationship with my father, this scene affected me more than I wanted it to. I saw myself as the trusting boy. I saw my dad as the doting father. I couldn’t bear to make a connection with the mother of this idyllicfamily.
Seeing them was enough to make me realize that I missed that bond, the special one between a father and daughter. It was time to address my relationship withmydad.
ChapterTwenty
Julian
My life wasan exercise of extremes. Whenever I had a breakthrough with Katie, I had a new setback with my family. Whenever I felt so high I forgot why I was unhappy in the first place, I found myself hurled to earth faced with the harsh realities ofmylife.
Last night had been amazing. I brought Katie to the caves to share with her the truth of my situation. I had been afraid, and I hid in the darkness of the caves. But Katie surprised me. She understood me in a way thatcrushedme.
I didn’t want her to see how unbearable life had been before she showed up. But instead of letting me hide, instead of running herself, Katie had understood the freedom that being blind had given us. I still couldn’t believe the secrets she shared with me, her shattered dreams that so much mirroredmyown.
That time together wasagift.
Which meant it was only natural I would wake once again to my reoccurringnightmare.
Katie had expressed a desire to reconcile with her dad. The loss of her mother was so different from the abandonment I had experienced with my own parents. My mom was stillthere, at least physically. I needed to reach outtoher.
And while my dad couldn’t decide what he wanted in life, he was still living. If Katie could be brave and attempt to build trust with her dad again, maybe I could do the same with myowndad.
I mentally psyched myself up before leaving the confines of mybedroom.
Today, I would forgive myfather.
Unfortunately, he didn’t give me the opportunity. When I walked out to the living room, my mom was there. Alone. She was sitting so still, with no emotions displayed across her face. It scared me more than the mood swings I had become soaccustomedto.
“Mom, what did he do?” My voice promised murder. I knew there was only one explanation for this turn ofevents.
“Oh, honey,” she said, looking toward me, realizing I had joined her. “I know you don’t understand. I won’t ask you to understand. But love isn’t easy. It’s messy. Ithurts.” Her voice cracked with the last word and the emotion behind it was enough to make me feel the pain she wasexperiencing.
“Coming and going as you please isn’t love. It shouldn’t be like that,” Iargued.
“No, Julian. You’re probably right. It shouldn’t be like this. But sometimes it isanyway.”
“No.” I refused tobelieveit.
