“Yeah,” I mutter.
“How almost are we talking?” Lainey asks carefully. I cringe.
“Like, I could feel his breath on my face.”
Lainey gives me a look of disapproval which I knew was coming.
“Ellie.”
“I know, I know. Don’t say it.”
“El, you know how I feel about him,” Lainey replies. “But that doesn’t matter. How do you feel?”
I laugh, sharp and humorless. “That’s the problem. I don’t know what I feel.”
Lainey studies her. “That bad, huh?”
I nod. “It’s like my body didn’t get the memo that we shouldn’t want him.”
“Well… do you?” Lainey presses.
“Do I what?”
“Do you want him?”
“Lainey…” I start. She holds her hands up in surrender.
"Hey, I’m not judging. That man is seriously sexy. He’s got that whole hot hockey player, bad boy, persona.”
I chuckle. “I thought you hated him?”
“I hate what he did to you. But I can’t deny he’s good looking,” she shrugs.
Yeah, she’s not wrong. He is undeniably attractive, but he’s still so focused on hockey. It’s his entire life. How would I possibly fit in?
“By the way, how’s he doing? His injury is the talk of the NHL right now.”
My throat tightens. “He’s…broken.”
Lainey winces. “Shit.”
“Honestly, I barely recognize him. He’s barely holding it together, Laine,” I tell her without divulging too much into his private life. “The injury, the coaching. He keeps pretending he’s fine, and then he just kind of… explodes.”
“I know Holland would be devastated if he couldn’t play rugby anymore. Not that he would ever want to play professionally or anything, but he’s been playing for so long that it would probably break him to never be able to play again,” Lainey says quietly.
I nod. “Yeah, except, Jamie might be able to play again. He just doesn’t seem to have the confidence. He’s so focused on the fact that his injury might never heal.”
Lainey takes a deep breath before exhaling. She looks directly into the camera.
“Look, El. All I’ll say is he is dealing with a lot right now. He’s on the verge of losing everything he’s worked for his entire life. It still seems like his world might be centered around getting back to the NHL. I don’t want you to get too attached just for it to—”
“End the same way it did before? I know. That’s why I’m not doing anything about anything. We are colleagues and housemates. Nothing more. That’s all we can be,” I say with as much confidence as I can muster. That’s how it has to be.
Lainey gives me a look that tells me she doesn’t believe me at all. I don’t even know if I believe myself. All I know is that I’m beginning not to trust myself around him, and that’s not good because we literally share a space of living.
A door shuts in the background and Lainey looks over her shoulder, then back to me.
“Holland’s home. Gotta go, babe. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” she winks and gives me a knowing smile.
