oday has been exhausting. Not only that, but it’s been a whirlwind of emotions. I woke up from a sex dream with Jamie, then I ran into him in the kitchen where he freaked out on me, then I find Jamie sitting on the locker room floor having what appeared to be a panic attack. The worst part of all that is the fact that being so close to him made me think of the dream. It made me want it to come true. It made me want him.
I was trying to bring him back to earth from his panic, but all I could think about was his lips on mine and if it would feel as good as it did back then.
Would I like it? Would it make me feel something I haven’t felt in a long time?
Those kinds of thoughts are dangerous, though. I shouldn’t want him. I shouldn’t be feeling any connection to him. But seeing him like that, all vulnerable and broken, it made me want to help him. Curse being a good person.
I don’t realize how hard I’m breathing until I fall into my chair at my desk in quiet auditorium.
Idiot. That’s what I am. Stupid.
It’s been nine years. Nine years of distance, growth, and rebuilding myself into someone who doesn’t fall apart over one man. All of that, and I nearly undo all of it on a locker room floor because Jamie Patterson looked at me like I was still his. Like I was the thing anchoring him to the ground. My hands are shaking, and I feel as if I’ve just run a marathon. I press them flat against the cool surface of my desk and count to five, then ten. It doesn’t help. My heart is still racing, my skin still remembers his warmth, the weight of his gaze, the way his breath hitched when I looked at him.
He wanted to kiss me. I know he did; I could tell by the way he was watching me. I could see it in his eyes. That realization lands with a dangerous mix of satisfaction and fear. Knowing that he was having a hard time controlling himself sends a shiver down my spine. Maybe I’m not alone in feeling this connection, this pull to him.
God, Lainey and Gwen would go crazy if they heard my thoughts right now. I know they’ll support me in whatever I choose to do, but they’ll definitely try to warn me away first.
As I sit in silence, I try to calm myself, but my body won’t settle. Every nerve feels awake, buzzing,like it’s waiting for something. Or someone. I haven’t felt this kind of awareness in years. Not since before everything fell apart between us.
God, Ellie. It was nothing. You were helping a friend. Not even a friend, an acquaintance. Except that feels like a lie. So much for trying to keep my distance. Clearly that hasn’t been working out too well for me.
Jamie’s face flashes in my mind again, and for a second, I forget about our past. I forget that he was the boy who broke my heart. I forget that he’s a famous hockey star. All I can think about is what would have happened if I’d let him kiss me.
Forget it, Ellie. Not happening. He’s too busy with work and PT and getting back to his team. He doesn’t have time for you. He didn’t back then, and he doesn’t now. Especially now. He has other things going on that have nothing to do with me. Plus, I have enough to focus on. I need to make sure this show goes perfectly. I said no distractions, and here I am. Letting a boy distract me.
Well, no more of that.
I open up my laptop and look through our upcoming rehearsal schedules, our budget, what we still need for the set. If I’m going to prove to myself that I can do this, I need to be completely focused on the task.
My phone buzzes on the desk and I throw my head back and groan. What now?
Lainey’s name flashes on the screen and I swipe to answer it.
“Well, if it isn’t Professor Monroe,” she greets in a teasing tone. I roll my eyes, a smirk forming on my lips.
“If it isn’t the bride to be,” I say, knowing talking about the wedding freaks her out. She is so not the girly girl that’s obsessed with getting married. She’s rather have a shotgun wedding and get the whole thing over with, but my brother is not going to let that happen.
“Why are you still at work? It’s like 6:00. Shouldn’t you be home by now?” she asks, throwing her hair into a curly bun on top of her head.
“I still have work to do,” I tell her, but I’m leaving out the part where I’m afraid to go home because I don’t want to run into Jamie again tonight. Her eyes narrow in suspicion.
“Why do you look like you almost made a terrible life choice?” Lainey says, her eyes narrowing further. “Or a really good one. It’s hard to tell.”
I give her own narrowed gaze. “I hate you.”
Lainey grins. “That’s not a denial.”
I hate how hard it is to lie to her. Scrubbing my hands over my face, I huff out an exasperated breath. The image of Jamie kneeling, breathing hard, eyes staring into my soul, flares behind her eyelids.
“Are you alone?” I ask, hoping my brother isn’t there with her.
She nods. “Yeah, Holland’s at the gym. Why?”
I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
“We almost kissed.”
Lainey’s smile vanishes instantly. “Oh.”
