There’s no point in lying to her. She’ll see right through me. I nod. Ellie frowns.
“Jamie, it’s going to work itself out. You’re going to play again. You just need to keep up with your physical therapy sessions and practice. It’ll take some time, but I know you can do it. You’re resilient, and I know you’re not going to give up now. You’ve come too far.”
My racing heart swells at the pride in her voice, like she’s proud of me. I don’t understand how she can be so optimistic all the time. Even when she struggles to believe in herself, she believes in me. Why does that make me happy?
Ellie’s eyes search mine, waiting for me to respond, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t have the same faith in myself as she seems to have in me. With the way my knee throbs, constantly reminding me of everything I’ve already lost and will probably continue to lose, it’s hard to believe it will get better.
Her small hands squeeze my forearm, and the longer she looks at me with those big green eyes looking so innocent and beautiful, the more I want to grab her face and kiss her. I shouldn’t want to, I know she wants nothing to do with me. Well, I know she didn’t, but now I’m not so sure. Things have shifted between us within the few weeks we’ve been cooped up together. We’ve talked more, she doesn’t run away when I walk into the same room as her, and she actually has full conversations with me.
I know that sounds like the bare minimum, but it’s a step in the right direction for us.Us.There is no us. It’s Ellie and it’s me. There hasn’t been an ‘us’ in a long time, and I know that’s my fault.
So why is the air between us so thick? Why does this moment feel like it’s pressing in on my lungs instead of easing them. I wish I could read her mind, because her face is saying absolutely nothing right now. She’s just looking at me like I’m about to explode and she’s waiting for the destruction.
Yet, her hand is still on my arm. I can feel every inch of it. It’s warm and grounding. The exact same way it used to feel, and that’s the problem because my body doesn’t know the fucking difference between now and all those years ago.
I don’t move, because if I do, I’m not sure she’ll stay put. She’s like a scared animal. One wrong move, and she’ll sprint in the other direction. I’m not ready for her to leave yet. My body is enjoying her closeness, her touch. She’s so close I can see the tiny freckle under her left eye, the one she used to hate but I always loved.
Is she thinking the same thing I am? That if we lean forward just a fraction, our mouths will meet. That it would feel so good to be entwined with one another, consequences be damned. Or is she not thinking of that at all? Her eyes are sorrowful, and that worried expression is still etched into her perfect features.
Get it together, Patterson. You fucked it up. You lost your shot. This isn’t some clean slate moment. This is a minefield. We’re not two strangers circling each other. We’re history. We’re broken. Because of me.
My chest burns with the urge to close the distance and the knowledge that if I did, she might not reciprocate. Yet, all I want to do is grab her faceand remind her that this, whatever this is, has always been ours. That it never really went away, not for me. I may have made the wrong choices back then, and maybe if I’d have made different ones, we’d still be together today. Even though I wasn’t thinking of her every single moment of every day, I did think of her. I thought of every moment we’d spent together. I thought of how we’d be if we’d stayed together. If I didn’t decide hockey was more important than her. But thinking about what I’d lost didn’t change anything.
I’m not the guy she knew anymore, and she’s not the girl who once loved me without hesitation. Our lives are so different now. I’m sure this isn’t exactly where she’d pictured herself to be, and I know for a fact that this isn’t where I thought I’d be. Things are different now, but maybe that’s a good thing.
I force myself to lean back, breaking the invisible thread snapping tight between us. The movement feels violent, like it tears something out of my chest. My fingers curl into my palms until my nails bite the skin.
Her hand drops and I feel the loss immediately.
I know kissing Ellie would ruin everything. It would blur lines that are already thin. She lives with me. She works with me. There’s no way this would work. I need to keep my head on straight, focus on getting back to the Storm and back to my life. The last thing I need is to start something that I can’t finish…again.
I know what I am right now. A mess. A guy spiraling because his body betrayed him and the one thing that ever made sense has been ripped away. Idon’t get to drag her into that. I don’t get to be selfish this time, no matter how much my chest aches when she looks at me with that soft, worried expression, like I still matter to her.
She exhales slowly and stands, putting even more space between us. I want to tell her to come back, to stay with me. But I know I can’t.
“Jamie…” she says quietly, and hearing my name like that nearly undoes me. Clearing my throat, I stand, towering over her. She looks up at me, all innocence and determination.
“I’m fine,” I say, even though my heart is still racing like I just took a hit I didn’t see coming. “Don’t worry about me, sweetheart.”
She frowns, but I’m already shutting the door, piece by piece. That’s what I do. That’s what I’ve always done.
Her jaw tightens. I know she doesn’t believe me. She’s not stupid. Obviously, I have some issues I’m working through, but I won’t put them on her. She doesn’t deserve that.
“Okay,” she says finally, though it’s clear she doesn’t mean it. She hesitates for a moment at the door, hand hovering on the handle like she’s considering whether to leave or not, and for one terrifying second, I think she might come back.
I don’t know what I’d do if she did. But then she leaves. The door shuts, and the silence crashes down hard enough to ring in my ears. I press my hands into my eyes, dragging in a shaky breath.
Fuck, I wanted to kiss her. Not a gentle kiss. Not a maybe. I wanted to devour her. To taste every fucking inch of her. To make her forget why she hatesme. I wanted to be inside her. I wanted to feel her body against mine; I wanted to hear her moans as I teased and played with her. I wanted her so badly, it was almost a need. Like I need her to breathe. I’ve been breathing on my own for years now, and I never realized how much better it is to breathe the same air as Ellie.
But kissing Ellie wouldn’t be harmless. It wouldn’t be this moment where we both realize what we’ve been missing.
It would be the beginning of something I’m not sure either of us wouldsurvive.
Chapter 16
Ellie
T
