LUCY
Seven Weeks
Alittle blond boy is grinning at me. It’s actually pretty adorable the way he’s watching me, snuggled up against his mother’s side and shyly peeking out, then hiding his face in her sweatshirt whenever I smile back. I’m seated across from this cutie in the small waiting room at my doctor’s office where I await my appointment to officially confirm my pregnancy.
It’s been almost a week since my conversation with Noah and my head is still spinning. I’ve done what he asked, I’ve taken a beat to reconsider the abortion, and … I feel more lost than ever. He actually seemed pleased about the news and knowing he wants this–that he’s willing and even excited at the prospect of raising a child with medoeschange things.
But is it enough?
It’s still a huge life-changing decision, and let’s be real, I’m selfish in a lot of ways. I live my life on my own terms and don’t answer to anyone, and that’s worked for me for a lot of years. Am I really prepared to make the sacrifices that being a good parent requires? And will I be able to manage raising a child and running my business, even with the added help from Noah? Sure we might agree to co-parent, but we’d still be living mostly separate lives. I’d still be alone with the child a significant amount of the time.
And can I really be a good mom? I know Noah said he thinks so, and Piper and Steph too, but it’s not like I had a great role model for that growing up. I haven’t heard from my own dear mom in almost twelve years and good riddance. There wasn’t a maternal bone in her body and she prioritized men and drugs over her daughter. On the flip side though, I definitely know whatnotto do–Noah made a similar comment about his father and I think it’s a valid one. Plus, my abuela was amazing stepping in and essentially raising me for extended periods of my childhood. I have no doubt that all my good qualities sprung from and were nurtured by her. I could do that too, right? Nurture another human like my abuela did? I think so.
Maybe Icoulddo this–maybewecould. But do I want to be tied to Noah forever? Because there’s also that to consider, and while we get along now, it wasn’t all that long ago that he was still considered the enemy. And though we’ve since learned the error of our ways, he’s still not exactly the easiest guy to get along with–even if our conversation last week was enlightening about why that might be. Could we get along with each other long-term, or would we butt heads constantly? It wouldn’t be fair to raise a child in a toxic or hostile environment like that.
But then I think about what he said about this maybe being his only chance to have a child and … that rings true for me as well. Before Piper fell head over heels for Aidan, and I had a front-row seat to their love story, I never thought about settling down. Now, sometimes, I think it wouldn’t be so bad. Okay fine, I think it would be pretty amazing to have someone that looked at me the way Aidan looks at my girl P, but I also know that’ll never happen. With my reputation who would want that with me?
So … maybe this ismyonly shot at a family too.
And a babyisa miracle–one that a lot of people struggle for, pray for, and never have. As scared as I am right now, can I really take this gift for granted? At the very least I need to give more thought to adoption because someone should have the honor of loving and raising this child even if it’s not me. Maybe Noah would want the child even if I decide I can’t do it. But could I actually sign over parental rights and then watch my own child grow up in the same town? What would he tell him or her? No, I don’t think I could ever do that.
So I’m back to square one again thinking maybe wecando this together. And maybe I kinda want to. But–
Ugh! See? Lost! Totally lost! How am I ever supposed to make such a monumental decision?!
I sigh in frustration and shake my head to dispel my chaotic thoughts. Checking the time on my phone, I see that my appointment was supposed to have started fifteen minutes ago. The woman and her little boy have been waiting even longer than I have and they haven’t been called yet, so I guess it’s still going to be a while.
Glancing over at the little boy again I notice that he’s still watching me. He looks to be about three, but again, what the hell do I know about kids? I give him a wink and then stick out my tongue which causes him to erupt into a fit of giggles. Still clinging to his mother’s shirt, he yanks on her arm in his glee, ripping the page of the magazine she’s reading.
“Leo-bear! Careful!” she scolds, but her voice is warm and I can tell she’s only mildly irritated when she looks down at him. Her mouth twitches and I see she’s fighting a smile.
“Sorry Mommy,” he whispers into her arm, still watching me with a coy smile out of the corner of his eye.
I clear my throat. “That was actually my fault. I– well, I stuck my tongue out at him,” I admit, chuckling. If my skin was pale enough to show my fierce blush I’d be fuchsia right now.
Turning her attention to me she bites her lip to hold in a laugh.
“Do you have any children?” she asks.
“N–no, uh, no. I don’t,” I stutter awkwardly.
She tips her head, smiling kindly at me. “Well it seems you’re a natural with kids–someonehere appears to be a fan of yours,” she says reaching out and grabbing her son by the shoulders. She slips her hands around to tickle him lightly under the arm. He giggles again and I can’t help smiling at the two of them.
“Mommy, stop,” he gasps, twisting away from her. “Please!”
She rolls her eyes exaggeratedly. “Oooh-kay. I guess since you asked so nicely. Do you want a snack?”
“Yeah!”
I watch the two of them together while she fishes through a large tote and pulls out a cheese string. The little boy–Leo–is chattering away at her, declaring his love of cheese and singing a little song. I mean, ditto kid. But I can’t take my eyes off them, the way they interact. The love between them is obvious and completely heart-warming. I’ve watched Steph with her boys a million times and always rolled my eyes internally whenever she started gushing about them, but now? I’m seeing things in a whole new light. Could I have that? Because, suddenly, it looks pretty great.
A nurse appears in the doorway and calls out to them. The woman stands and I can see now that she has a small baby bump. Number two on the way. She bends over to gather up their things and reaches out for Leo’s tiny hand. He slides it easily into hers and they turn to follow the nurse. He looks up at her like she’s the greatest thing he’s ever seen, and I guess that’s probably true. She’s his mom after all.
Just before they turn the corner, I realize that they actually look nothing alike. They’re a study in contrasts; the tall slender woman with dark hair and dark eyes juxtaposed with the chubby little white-blonde Leo and his sparkling baby blues. He must take after his father, I think. And then I’m struck with an image of a little mini-Noah reaching out to hold his father’s oversized hand. In my mind, the boy has Noah’s warm brown eyes, brown hair, and even that serious little furrow between his brows. It’s fucking adorable and has my heart skipping a beat at the thought.
Noah’s words from last week come back to me.‘I can’t deny that I want to meet this little one–our little one.’
Would our little one look like him? Or me? Or would they be a perfect blend of the two of us? An adorable little boy that looked just like his father would melt my heart. But a sweet little girl with Noah’s rare smile and my wild curls would be … well, she’d just be wonderful.
