If I could only claw myself out of the hole I was slipping into first.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Shawn
After we returned from Atlanta,a few days passed in a fog. Summer storms crashed through the sky every night, and during the afternoons, Cass and I kept to ourselves more than usual. Something had shifted, but I didn’t know if it was me or him. I’d shriveled up when I saw that woman flirting with him. Maybe she had done something to Cass, too, and pulled him back to who he really was?
He was just as kind as ever. He still asked me about my day and joined me to make dinner. But hurt played across his eyes, clouding the light I was used to. And even though I could make him smile when I acted flirty, trying to do that suddenly felt like trying to contort myself into a knot.
He still touched me. Thank god he still touched me. His hands traced my side, and he pressed his forehead against mine before we kissed and said goodnight. But we hadn’t hooked up since Atlanta, and every day was seeming longer than the last.
Audrey helped me remember that not hooking up for a few days was probably healthy. It didn’t mean anything was wrong, and there were all kinds of reasons a person might not want to have sex. But the truth was, I could feel that something was wrong. Things were different, and I didn’t know how to reach across that distance and find Cass again.
It hurt. Was it because I had fallen in love? I worried that I had opened my heart only to have it torn apart. If you loved someone, you should know how to reach them, but even when Cass was right there in front of me, my heart ached for him like he was gone.
My phone vibrated on the desk, pulling me from my thoughts. I blinked a few times, surprised to see my old professor’s name, then answered quickly. “Dr. Freeman, hello.”
“Shawn, I’m glad I caught you. I’m just at the airport here with a slight delay, and I’ve finished reading those chapters you sent me. They’re quite good.”
I stood up and pushed the chair back. “Oh?” I said, struggling to steady my voice.
“Beautiful writing, a clear tour through the scientific concepts, lots of personality. I’m glad you shared it with me.”
“Thank you so much, Dr. Freeman.” I was suddenly beaming and walking in a circle while we talked. “That means a lot, especially coming from you.”
Something beeped in the background of her call. “Yes, I’ll email you a couple thoughts. That’s not why I’m calling, though.”
I stopped pacing. “Oh?”
“The job. Would you like my recommendation? Otherwise, I’m going to pass it on to one of our adjuncts this week.”
My heart thudded in my chest. I had been putting off making a firm decision, although I knew the deadline was approaching. When things got weird with Cass, though, I’d lost track of time. “Right, of course,” I said and scratched the back of my head.
There were so many reasons to take the opportunity and so many reasons not to. But all of a sudden, the hope that I could be with Cass seemed so much smaller than before. If I were being honest with myself, I knew that he mattered to my decision. I didn’t want to lose a minute with him, even now. But it would be pathetic if I turned down my dream for a high school crush on a straight guy, especially when I had every reason to doubt myself.
But then, my mind on Cass, I remembered something else. He had been so confident when he told me to turn down the job and just write my book. He had believed in my dream, and now Dr. Freeman had told me she valued it, too.
That was the person I wanted to be. I wanted to believe in myself and in what I wanted, just like he did. Cass had helped to open that up in me, and now, the choice I should make seemed clear.
“I’m going to pass on the job, Dr. Freeman. I really appreciate you offering it to me, and honestly, it makes me a little queasy to say no. But I want to use this time to finish writing my book.”
There was a slight pause. My hands got clammy thinking I might be letting down my mentor after she put herself out there for me. Then, finally, she spoke. “Very good, Shawn. As I said, I’ll email you some notes. Enjoy your afternoon.”
“Thanks, Dr. Freeman,” I answered, and the line went dead.
I let out a long, shaky breath. I couldn’t believe what I had just done, but now that the words had passed my lips, there was no turning back. I jumped up and down and shook my hands for a minute, burning off the energy that zipped around in my brain.
I turned back to my desk. My framed picture of Carl Sagan sat there, staring at me.
“Now or never, Carl,” I said, then took a seat. “Let’s write this thing.”
* * *
I didn’t pull my head out of the work and come downstairs until it was dark, right as Cass was arriving from the back. He looked tired, but I figured it was just from a long day working on the studio. We heated up some leftovers and talked about our days like usual, but I didn’t find a chance to mention the decision I’d made.
When I did open my mouth, ready to say something, I faltered instead. I wanted to thank him and tell him how he’d inspired me, but the gulf that had grown between us made that feel wrong.
I thought Cass was just going to head to his room early. I’d heard what sounded like action movies playing from his laptop the night before and imagined he’d go back to that. But as we cleaned up the dishes, I realized something.
