“You go your own way, Cass. I get it.” Monica turned, then headed back toward the stage. “Just send me a text sometimes, okay?” she called over her shoulder.
I nodded that I would, then sighed as she disappeared. It wasn’t only frustrating to hear about the gossip in Nashville; it was humiliating, too. For Twice Shattered to go on with such crappy songs while I got left in the dust, like I wasn’t good enough for them?
And fuck, after feeling so good all weekend, too. I shoved the thoughts aside the best I could, then grabbed the waters for Shawn and Audrey. Before I could spot them in the dispersing crowd, though, I noticed there was a clear shot up to the stage, where Mario and June were still lingering. An instinct grabbed me, and I charged straight there, hopeful they might help me dispel the awful feeling Monica had left me with.
“Hey, Mario, June,” I called from my spot on the floor. A few fans were lingering there, extending albums and posters for a signature.
Mario turned my way, sweat glistening on his buzzed head. “Cass, what up? You made it.”
June nodded to me with a smile, then turned back to signing posters.
“Glad I caught the set,” I said, hollering up to him. “I just saw Monica, too.”
Someone rushed out from backstage and grabbed Mario, muttering into his ear. I turned my gaze to June, who was engrossed with the fans. For a minute, I stood there, ignored by both of them.
Fuck, it was humiliating. In just one short summer, I’d gone from an essential part of the band to some forgotten failure, clawing for attention with twenty-year-old fans.
Finally, after staring up and watching them ignore me for a few minutes, I shoved my hands in my pockets and turned away. I didn’t need that shit. They might have been busy as hell, but I put in years building their reputation and getting them to the place where they could cash out like they were. They couldn’t even bother to pay attention to me, let alone to put down the nasty rumors circulating in Nashville, and it crushed my spirit to get tossed aside like that.
I pushed my way back through the crowd, my shoulders tight with frustration, until I found Shawn and Audrey. My heart softened a little when I spotted his smile, but just as quickly, shame crashed down on me. He’d been so sweet and supportive with me, I didn’t want to tell him that I was actually just a big fucking failure.
“Something wrong?” he asked, taking the water.
I shook my head and forced a smile to my face. “Nope, just a little tired, I guess. How are you both doing?”
Audrey draped her arm over her friend’s shoulder. “A little danced out, but good.”
“Is this when we meet the band?” Shawn asked, his expression open and expectant.
I swallowed. The idea of getting snubbed by Mario and June with Shawn there to witness it seemed like too much to handle. “Maybe tonight’s not the right night,” I said. “It looks like they’re going to be tied up with the fans for quite a while.” The excuse felt weak after I had invited Shawn to meet them earlier, but I didn’t see any other way around it.
Shawn’s face fell a little, but he just nodded and drank from his water. “Okay.”
My heart ached to disappoint him, but I needed to get out of that venue as soon as possible. Otherwise, I was convinced someone else was going to walk up and tell me I was a failure.
Even if all of Nashville thought I was a fuckup, I needed Shawn to keep believing in me. Without him looking at me the way he did, I was pretty sure I would fall apart.
* * *
We hit the road back to Kentucky early the next day, cruising down the highway with the windows cracked and the radio on. It was noisy enough that I didn’t have to make excuses for my mood. Instead, Shawn curled up next to me, dozing while I drove with my thoughts.
A part of me was already slipping into old habits. If that was what everyone thought of me in the metal scene, then fuck it. I didn’t need anyone else, and I knew how to take care of myself. I could just as easily leave the music scene behind and be on my way.
I’d learned better than to rely on other people a long time ago, anyway. They could always turn on you, just like that.
I shook my head sadly as I steered the truck around another mountain bend, rocky cliffs stretching through the forest in the distance. At least ditching me seemed to be good luck for other people. My parents had their careers take off after I graduated, Twice Shattered was hitting it big, and Monica seemed as happy as she had ever been. Maybe it really was better for everyone if I stuck to myself.
I glanced at Shawn. His head was rolled back against the seat, and his feet were folded underneath him. He looked peaceful and satisfied, and something deep inside of me reached out toward him.
Fuck, I had been so full of myself before the show, so cocky that everything was going my way. But then I had run away like a coward, hiding all my shameful secrets from Shawn. I was embarrassed about the whole thing, worried that I’d look like some loser without a plan, and right while he was finishing graduate school and writing a book and fielding these job offers.
I’d even hurt Shawn, I realized later. Back at the hotel, he let slip a little that he was disappointed to have missed meeting the band. I could tell he didn’t mean for me to notice, and it killed me to stand there, knowing I wasn’t strong enough to treat him the way he needed to be treated. I should have brought him up there with me, and treated him like…
A boyfriend? We hadn’t talked about that, but friend didn’t seem like the right word. We were so much closer than I was with my friends.
Suddenly, tears bit at the corners of my eyes. I cleared my throat, then fiddled with the radio. “Pull it together,” I whispered under my breath.
The summer was stretching on, and soon enough, the studio remodel would be finished. If I was only going to have a little more time left with Shawn, I needed to enjoy it. I might not be good enough for him in the long run—hell, he’d probably go on to major success the second we parted ways, just like everyone else. But I damn well was going to do what I could to make him happy those last few weeks.
