Maybe I didn’t have to figure out some new way to reach through to Cass. Maybe all I had to do was to be there with him. That’s all he had done for me years ago, after all. He’d just walked the hallways with me while I shuffled along beside him, quiet, and it had made a world of difference.
If what I felt for Cass really was love, I had to believe that could be enough. That I could be enough. I never would have believed that a few months ago, but after spending the summer with him, I could suddenly believe it now.
“Hey,” I said. “The storms have passed, so the stars are out again. I’m going to have a quiet night, I think, and just sit out for a while to watch the sky. But if you want to join me and just, um, sit with me…” I trailed off, then swallowed. “You’re welcome to.”
Cass met my eye. The shadow had settled over his face, but the light was there, too, and his expression lightened as we looked at each other. “Yeah, thanks. Maybe I’ll step out.” He reached out and ran his fingers along the side of my arm, stroking down. “I’m just going to slip into my room for a bit.”
I nodded quickly. “Yeah, sure.”
My chest hurt as he walked away. Even though it was just a small invitation, I felt like I had put myself out there, and every minute we weren’t connected ached.
I scolded myself for pining again. What did I want him to do, fall on his knees and declare his devotion? I’d invited him to watch the stars a million times; it wasn’t a special occasion. And just because I had fallen in love didn’t change the fact that Cass and I were having a summer fling. There had always been an expiration date. It’s what I had signed up for.
I made my way to the side of the house and pulled my telescope from the garage, then one lawn chair and, after significant hesitation, the second. I set them up a couple feet from each other. Was I being hopeful or pathetic? I couldn’t decide. Instead, I found my glass of wine and then fiddled with the telescope until I located the Albireo star system, a blue star and a yellow star. Some astronomers thought they orbited one another, while others argued that they just looked that way from Earth, but either way, they were beautiful.
Done playing with the telescope, my heart still aching for Cass, I returned to the lawn chair. I reclined it back and spent a while watching the sky and sipping my wine as my thoughts traveled over Cass, my book, my career, and every other worry that had been following me for days.
“Hey. You still want company?”
I turned and found him standing there, a beer dangling from his hand. It was too dark to see his face, but just the shadow of him made my heart sing out again.
“Yeah, please,” I said, gesturing to the lawn chair.
Cass walked over and took a seat. I didn’t say anything, but I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he leaned back, staring straight up at the stars. Once I was satisfied drinking him in, I turned my eyes up, too, and we sat that way a while.
Fuck, it felt good to be close, even in this small way. I reached down inside myself and tried to extend every good feeling I had in his direction. Just being together helped me to feel strong, and I hoped it could help him, too.
I offered him my love. Even if I couldn’t find the strength to say it in that moment, I tried to shine the light on him.
Cass cleared his throat, then sat up and pushed his chair a little closer to mine. My breath caught, and before I could think better, I extended my hand, which he took in his. Our fingers laced together, and the warmth of his touch tingled up my arm.
And back under the stars, we sat together, not needing to say a word.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Cass
After sittingout with Shawn under the stars, I finally got a good night’s sleep. The worry that had been wearing me down lifted, and I slipped into a deep, dreamless rest.
The next morning, Shawn and I sat together at the dining room table in comfortable silence while we ate our breakfast. I was shirtless in a loose pair of sweatpants, and Shawn wore an old pair of jogging shorts and a T-shirt, and we both had groggy looks on our faces.
Shawn offered me a soft smile across the table, then poured a little more coffee in my mug, warming it up. And for some reason, in that moment, something unlocked inside of me.
There was no point in moping around all depressed by myself when the one person in the world who really knew how to cheer me up was sitting right there, dipping his toast in his egg yolk.
“I ran into my ex-girlfriend at the show,” I said. “Monica.”
Shawn set his toast down. “Oh?”
I let out a slow puff of breath. “Yeah. She told me that there’s a rumor going around Nashville that I was kicked out of Twice Shattered.” It felt a little embarrassing to tell Shawn that truth, but the second the words were out of my mouth, relief washed over me, too.
“But you weren’t. You left on your own.”
I took a sip from the black coffee. “Doesn’t matter,” I answered. “My reputation is going to be shot around town anyway.”
Shawn pushed his foot under table and rubbed his toes against mine. His socks were soft on my bare feet, and the familiar gesture made me almost smile. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “That sucks. Can you do anything about it?”
I shook my head as I leaned back in the chair. “Probably not.” I almost left it there, frustration bubbling up inside of me again, but when Shawn wiggled his toes, I kept going.
