It was easier in a lot of ways.
The only downside was that it wasso damn lonely.
Because he wouldn’t delay leaving once the sun rose in the morning, Benji drove up to the ranch house when he was done with work to hang the new swing. As much as he understood that it was the coward’s way out, he couldn’t bear to say goodbye – not only to Sierra. But to Mav and Nina and Poppy, and even Markus too. Because he couldn’t come back. If he was going to start over, he needed to sever all contact with Sierra; otherwise, he would never move on.
He could never come back and visit – for holidays and drop-in visits and birthdays and Mav and Nina’s baby’s birth. But knowing it, accepting it, didn’t stop the burn of panic that had settled in his chest. And it wasn’t just panic over what he’d do without her. It was panicforher too. Who would carry a spare jacket everywhere because she hated ruining her outfits but always ended up being cold as a result? Who would stop by and check in on her or bring her food when she worked herself to the bone to try and shut everything else out? Who would fetch her fuzzy socks in the night when her feet got cold? Who would wrap her in their arms and hold her the next time she fell apart?That… that about killed him to think about.
And because he felt the urge to pound on the ranch house door and beg to be let back in, Benji parked and got out of the truck. He heaved the swing he’d made out of the truck bed.
It wasn’t fancy, merely a sanded and varnished wooden swing seat with knotted rope handles. Under the seat, he’d used a wood burning pen to write in small, delicate font:In loving memory of Baby Matthews.Too perfect to stay in this life. Waiting for us in the next.But that had been for him. It was the gravestone they’d never erected for their daughter.
Benji had started making it the day after the wedding because Sierra had mentioned that she wanted a swing again, but he’d finished it in a rush that afternoon, knowing that it was the one last promise he’d fulfil before he left.
Even if she never used it, Benji hoped that Poppy and, eventually, Mav and Nina’s new baby, would. He could picture the kids on it, laughing as they swung, probably bickering over whose turn it was while the adults hovered nearby, maybe grilling or sitting on the porch, having an evening drink.
When the reminder of everything he’d miss out on forced a lump of bitterness into his throat, Benji purposefully swallowed it down. He didn’t want to resent Sierra. She had made her choice, and just because he wasn’t what she’d chosen didn’t mean that he’d hate her for it. If anything, he understood why she couldn’t face that pain.
Because he felt it too.
He might have been the only other person who did. The only difference was that he wanted the comfort that Sierra still couldn’t accept.
Benji put the swing on the ground beneath the tree and went back to the truck to pull out the ladder.
He got to work, and he moved slowly, lingering at the ranch house, which had been his only true home, and soaking up the proximity to Sierra for as long as he possibly he could – he allowed himself that much. He imagined her in there, so close to him and yet impossibly distant too. Maybe she was cuddling Poppy or cooking dinner or having a glass of wine with Markus.
When his urge to go to her became unbearable, he sat on the swing instead, testing the weight. It creaked a little as the rope adjusted, but it was sturdy. It would hold her for as long as she needed it to.
Benji didn’t swing, only sat as the ranch settled in for the night around him.
Leaving Hunt Ranch was like willingly cutting his heart out of his chest. The only thing that made it bearable was that, without Sierra, it barely beat anyway. It was numb.Hewas numb. Suspended in a reality that he didn’t want at all.
Still, he pulled out his phone and shot Mav a text.
Hey … I know this is the coward’s way out, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving tomorrow morning. For good.
Mav replied right away.
What?! Why? I thought things were going well …
I fell off Smokey running barrels …
He didn’t say more. But he didn’t need to.
Fuck. Were you hurt?
Not at all.
Shit.
Please stay until I get home. We’re en route to Seattle now … We’ll be back at the ranch by seven a.m. tomorrow.
Need me to pick you up?
Thanks. But I booked a car already. Just promise you’ll wait so I can say bye.
Yeah man. Of course.
It was a lie. He knew if he stayed to say goodbye, Mav would try to convince him not to leave at all. And more than anything, Benji wanted to stay. So, he’d leave before Mav and Nina got home. And he’d apologize for it afterwards.
