‘So, you think you’re doing him a favour by pushing him away?’
‘Absolutely.’ And it was the truth. ‘I think that one day Benji will look back at me, still stuck here, and he’ll be relieved that I …’ she momentarily trailed off as her voice broke, finished with a rasped ‘…let him go.’
Markus reached out and strung his arm over her shoulders. ‘Or, maybe he’ll look back and wish he’d had that chance with you? Maybe he’ll be stuck in a half-life – half loving someone else, half happy, half himself.
‘If my break-up with Juan taught me anything, it’s that sacrifice in a relationship should be equal. Not all at once, or at the same time, but over the course of a life together, the compromises, the give and take, should equal out. My problem,’ he continued, ‘was that I’ve always been so afraid of releasing my grip on my ambition, even a little bit, that I didn’t make time for the most important person in my life. And he tried and tried – until he realized that I wasn’t ever going to do the same. And then he walked. And now I’m afraid that I won’t ever find that again …’
Sierra rested her head on his shoulder. ‘I’m afraid of everything,’ she admitted. ‘I’m afraid of losing him – and I’m not talking about him walking away. I’m talking about … When he fell off that horse …’ She couldn’t even say it – death. Even though Benji was right: He had fallen many times before and, she knew, he would again in the future. And because it was terrifying to ponder what life might have in store, she redirected. ‘I’m afraid of him eventually growing to resent me if I’m never normal again – nevermeagain. Because whatever he says, the woman he fell in love with is gone. And she is not coming back. But most of all, I’m afraid of loving him – because I know what that future entails. And I am terrified of … of …’
‘Of losing another baby,’ Markus said quietly.
She stifled the sob that tore through her throat, and all that pressure seemed to redirect to her womb. The tears streamed down her face freely. Because that was the heart of it. She could make every excuse she could think of, irrespective of how irrational. Because the truth was too soul-stopping to ponder, and at the end of the day, the one thing she was truly terrified of was that – birthing another stillborn baby.
And if she stayed with Benji, it was inevitable that they would try again. Because as scared as she was, there was another traitorous part of her that desperately wanted that future – the babies, the big, messy family, and the chaotic gatherings – with Benji. ‘Yes.’ She managed.
‘I could never understand what that felt like. But, Si, do you know what the statistical chance of that happening is – let alonetwice?’
‘There is a six in one thousand chance of stillbirth,’ she replied. ‘And if you’ve had one, you’re at greater risk of another depending on the underlying cause …’
Markus obviously hadn’t expected her to actually have an answer. ‘Well, shit.’
It shouldn’t have made her laugh. But it did. ‘It’s such a small number. But once you’ve become one of those six women, you realize how randomly life deals those cards. And it’s thenot knowing,’ she admitted, ‘the lack of guarantee … And Benji … Our relationship is already so unequal. And I don’t want to steal that future from him …’
‘Si …’
‘Yeah?’ she whispered.
‘Maybe you reciprocating – you doing what’s best for him – isn’t letting him go in the hope that he’ll be happy without you.’
Sierra’s heart beat dully in her chest, already numb with loss.
‘Maybe you reciprocating is learning how to live with your fear knowing that you’re the only person who will ever make him happy. Maybe you learn how to live with your fearforhim – instead of pushing him away.’
Sierra thought about that, and oddly she remembered Skye’s words about fear stopping her from doing what she wanted:I’m afraid, and I don’t like knowing that that’s what’s stopping me.
‘Can I ask you one last question?’
She laughed tiredly. ‘I think we just eradicated the last boundaries in our friendship.’
‘How will you feel, in ten years’ time, when Mav and Nina are married and have a bunch of kids and you’re the sexy, single aunt at Thanksgiving?’
Sierra didn’t lie. As appealing as being the sexy, single aunt was, and as much as she would love all her nieces and nephews, she said, ‘Jealous.’ She laughed sardonically, repeated, ‘I’ll be jealous.’
‘Me too.’ Markus sighed. ‘Shit.’ He untangled his arm from her shoulders and pushed to a stand.
‘Where are you going?’
‘To call Juan,’ he said. But before he left, he turned and smiled gently at her. ‘I’m not gonna be the sexy, single uncle, Sierra. Not if I have anything to do with it. It’s a good future. But it’s not the one I want.’
Sierra gave him a shaky smile. ‘Good luck.’
And then she sat there, stroking Poppy’s hair as her niece slept soundly on her lap.
She was torn, one half of her terrified of Benji staying and what that meant, the other half of her terrified of truly letting him go. Because she wasn’t quite sure how she would survive without him. Even though she wasn’t sure how she would survive all the uncertainties that beingwith himbrought, either.
Because life was simple when the only person you had to worry about was yourself.
It was clean.
