His eyes are freshwater blue as he stares down at me. “Did I give you what you need?”
I lift my hand and curl it around his jaw, dancing my fingers behind his ear. I’m ruining him. His eyes are so troubled. The sunshine is bleeding out from him and it’s because of me. I’m not good for him. I’m not good for anyone. I’ll take and take andtakefrom them until they have nothing left to give. I’m not better than anyone in the crowd. Time is slowing, the end getting closer to us.
“You gave me what we both needed, hmm?”
Benji sighs and leans his forehead against my stomach. He lies there for so long, fingers still inside me, that I worry I’ve fucked up somehow. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did. With a shaky inhale, Benji crawls up my body to kiss me soft and slow, the kind of kiss you have while slow dancing under the stars. A kiss that saysyou’re mineandwait for meanddon’t go. But I can’t say it back. Not yet. If ever.
11
BENJI
DECEMBER 2027
France changed something between us. Maybe it was the way I handled Nolan when I realized it wasn’t the fight he wanted, it was the tender care that no one has ever shown him in his life. I’m losing track of time as we roll on. France to Sweden and now to South America.
Christmas was me and Nolan alone in a beautifully expensive hotel room in Brazil to wait out the next part of the tour. Nolan didn’t even care that it was Christmas Day. He was unusually quiet minus the strumming of his guitar as I called my moms to wish them a merry Christmas. As time goes on, Nolan becomes more sullen, not meeting my gaze even when I beg to take him out on dates. I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. I don’t know how to fix it, fix whatever the divide is between us.
Three months in each other’s pockets and I can confidently say this isn’t transactional anymore. Nolan means something to me. I can see right through his woeful attempts to kick me away. Every slash of his claws reveals himself a little more to me. He has a soft underbelly that he’s terrified people might see. When he gently cups my face, eyes staring up at me in wonder, I know that’s the real Nolan behind whatever careful shield he puts up.
It’s New Year’s Eve now, the first show was yesterday, and there’s another tomorrow. But today we are free just to be with each other. I’ve come to look forward most to these days. They’re usually the days Nolan lets me be kind, even sweet, and handle him in a way that works forbothof us.
The hotel room is too quiet, it’s wrong. Dressed in just sweatpants, I pad through the rooms until I come to the balcony that lines the large living room. A rumple of clothing on the ground outside sends my heart skyrocketing through my chest, until I inch closer and find that Nolan’s just lying on the ground. His head is tilted to the sky, lips pursed deeply in thought.
He doesn’t hear me coming because of the headphones covering his ears. But my shadow forces his head to turn my way, his eyes still hauntingly distant. I lower myself to join him on the hard concrete. I inch closer until we’re almost touching, but not. I let my pinkie softly graze the palm of his hand where it rests on the ground. Nolan’s eyes close softly at my touch.
“What are you doing out here?” I ask quietly, knowing he’ll hear me despite the music in his headphones.
He turns his head back to the sky. “Staring at the sky. They have good birds here.”
I turn my head to look up at the bright blue sky. Only a few clouds dot the expanse above, but a handful of birds float along on the wind. Carefree and beautiful.
“They look happy.”
“I’ve always wanted to be a bird,” Nolan murmurs, sounding utterly defeated.
“Why a bird?”
Nolan clears his throat awkwardly. “So I could fly away, high up into the sky and never be found.”
It’s a perfectly Nolan answer that still somehow has the ability to shoot me straight through the heart. I roll over on the hard ground to lean over him. His dark brown eyes flick fromthe sky to my face, a small moment of relief passing over him. I cup his cheek in one hand, gently sweeping my thumb under his tired eye.
“We could be birds together, fly away from here. Sound good?”
Nolan’s eyes close slowly, his exhausted breath puffing against my palm. “Okay, Benji.”
Unable to stand the sight of him so pained, I swoop down to kiss him softly. I smile against his mouth when his fingers tangle in my shirt, tugging me down to rest my weight against him.
“What do you normally do on New Year’s Eve?” Nolan asks when I pull away. He’s been asking these sorts of questions lately, clearly wanting to know what my life is like outside of him, when I’m away from tour.
“Usually I go to a party with my best friends.”
Nolan hums quietly as he squeezes my wrist. “Tell me.”
“Well…” I scrunch my face in thought, trying to remember last New Year’s. “Jackson usually gets us into the good parties. The four of us go and have a good time. We dance and drink and scope out guys. Usually only Eli would go home with someone, he’s the prize. But now Eli is happily almost basically married to a former client. Trevor is settled down with this huge farmer. Like seriously, he’s a giant. Jackson is, well… I don’t keep in touch with him as much as I should. We fight like cats and dogs.”
Nolan looks thoughtful for a moment. “Why do you fight?”
“Oil and vinegar. We just think so differently.”
