“This is what you’ve decided?”
“It is.”
His brother’s eyes were suspiciously shiny.“You know you were always as the eldest of my children.”
His own eyes burned.“I know.But it is time I become your brother.”
The Earl nodded sharply.“Well, you have decided on your path and I will not heed you.”He hesitated.“I am proud of you.”
A lump rose in his throat.
Clapping Benedict’s shoulder awkwardly, the Earl left the study.
Alone again, he put his head in his hands.Christ.How had this become such a mess?He’d told El he required time to remember how to be friends, and he did, but it killed him that he’d broken his promise to her.He hadn’t known this emotion swirled in him.He hadn’t known that what he felt for her was love.
He’d always loved her, of course he had, but he’d thought it had been friendship.It had always been with him, but he’d never examined it, never looked too closely.When had it changed?Or had it always been there, hidden deep in him, patiently waiting for a time when he could express it fully.When he could tell her he wanted everything with her.
It destroyed him she did not wish the same.
Exhaling, he pinched his eyes and then looked in surprise at the wetness on his fingers.Drying them on his breeches, he stared into the fire.He loved her enough to give her what she wanted.He would again be her friend.In time.
In the meanwhile, he would focus on removing himself from his brother’s house and creating one of his own.Perhaps, in time, he might also find a wife and children.Or perhaps he would not.It would be unfair to any other woman when El had ownership of his heart.He would fill his life with his nieces and nephews, friends and family, and El.Of course, El.He would not be completely happy, not without El as his wife, but he could perhaps be content.
In time.
Chapter Twenty Three
Ithadbeenthirteendays since she had told Benedict their lessons were over.Thirteen days since she had heard his voice, seen his eyes crinkle, felt his arms around her.Thirteen days since she had laughed until her stomach hurt, since she had beamed for no real reason other than he was near, since she had traced with her fingertips the shape of his smile.
It had been thirteen days since she’d truly been happy.
Eleanor watched as Benedict led one of Amanda’s friends in a dance.They both attended the Throcktons’ ball, however she had not immediately made her way to him, nor had he to her.It had been the same at every event they had attended these last thirteen days, where she had only ever seen him from a distance.Though she told herself not to, she sought him out at each, her gaze searching the crowd until she found him, and her heart had both leapt and ached at the sight of him.
Everything was wretched and wrong.It hurt to breathe, to do anything without him.She relied so heavily on his friendship, his presence in her life.She’d had no idea how much until he was absent, until her days was Benedict-less.With him gone, she realised just how much she needed him.
It wasn’t the same when she saw him from a distance at some society event.She wanted to speak with him, hear his opinion on everything, have him listen and challenge her.She wanted to bury herself in his arms and just absorb him into her soul.
But she couldn’t.Because she had ended their liaison and he needed time.
Watching Benedict lead Amanda’s friend through the steps of the dance, Eleanor worried her lip.She could have handled the ending of their liaison better.She’d been so thrown by the Earl almost catching them, she’d been harsh when she should not have been.She’d been a maelstrom of emotion, and when he’d mentioned marriage, she’d imploded.It was only when she’d seen hurt and devastation in his eyes before they’d shuttered and he’d adopted that awful stiff tone she’d realised what she’d done.
And now it had been thirteen days without him.
All evening she had watched him, as she had every evening.He danced and smiled and escorted many a young lady to the dance floor.She may not wish to marry, but perhaps he did.Perhaps he would succumb to the Earl’s demands and end the season affianced.Perhaps one day soon, she would watch as his engagement was announced, as he stood at the alter, as he escorted his wife to events.And then, after an appropriate period, she would be introduced to his children, and she couldn’t contain the anguish that rose in her, the riot of emotion that screamedno no noeven as she was terrified to be the woman in her vision.If she could marry anyone, it would be Benedict, but they were friends only and she would not risk that for the world.
Everything would be well.They had promised each other it would be.He would take his time, and then all would be as before.It had to be.
Turning, his gaze locked with hers.Holding her breath, she gave him a tentative smile.Something flickered in his face only to die just as quickly.Inclining his head, he looked past her.
Pain speared through her, and she only had herself to blame.
“Eleanor, there you are.I would swear you have been hiding from us these last few evenings.”
Blinking, she turned.Lady C stood at her side, her smile gentle.Emotion swelled inside her, such she fought the tears that threatened.She refused to cry, she absolutelyrefused.“Lady C,” she managed.
Concern lit her eyes.“Are you well, Eleanor?”
The smile she offered felt garish upon her face.“Of course.How is Amanda?”
