“I shouldn’t have to beg you to love me,” she shot back, her voice crackin’ now. “I shouldn’t have to keep reachin’ for you just to feel like you still here with me.”
“Ain’t nobody said you had to beg me,” I replied. “But damn, meet me halfway or somethin’. I come home from court dealin’ with all that bullshit, and it’s like I walk into another problem instead of comin’ home to my wife. This shit between us don’t even feel the same no more.”
Her lips parted like she was about to say somethin’, but whatever was sittin’ on her mind changed, and I saw it hit her all at once.
“So what are you sayin’ then?” she asked lower this time. “That you don’t want me no more? That you just… done tryin’?”
I looked at her, and for a second I ain’t answer, ’cause I knew whatever came out my mouth next was gon’ stick.
“I’m sayin’ I’m tired, Toni. I’m tired of feelin’ like I’m fightin’ the world all day, then comin’ home and still feelin’ like I gotta fight you too.”
I saw her face change before she even spoke again.
“So you don’t love me no more?” she asked, and her voice was softer now but heavier than anything she had said yet.
I exhaled slow and looked at her for a second before answerin’, keepin’ it real even though I knew it was gon’ hurt.
“A nigga gon’ always love you,” I said.
She swallowed, her eyes searchin’ mine. “But you not in love?”
She stared at me like she was searchin’ for somethin’ deeper than that. “But you not in love?”
I paused.
And for a second, I wished I hadn’t even said shit, but I wasn’t about to lie to her either.
“I’on know…”
I saw that look hit her face right away like I had just broken somethin’ in her that she couldn’t put back together.
Tears filled her eyes and started fallin’ down her face while she held my baby, and I hated that shit instantly. I hated that I even put that look on her face, but at the same time, I couldn’t fake somethin’ I wasn’t feelin’ right now.
I loved her, I really did. I loved her for givin’ me my baby and standin’ beside me through everything we built, but right now, I was just tired mentally and emotionally. It just felt like I ain’t even have it left in me to sort through none of it the way I should’ve.
I reached for My’Love, thinkin’ maybe I could calm her down, or shift the moment, but Toni pulled back, holdin’ her tighter like she ain’t even want me touchin’ her right now.
That shit hit me, but I ain’t say nothin’.
I just looked at them for a second, then turned and walked out the room, ’cause I had court in an hour and a half and I couldn’t afford to be late on top of everything else.
By the time I made it downstairs and stepped outside, Kelli was already sittin’ on the steps with a cigarette in his hand.
He looked up at me. “You good?”
I nodded once. “Yeah.”
It was a lie, but I ain’t got time to unpack none of this shit right now.
We got in the car, and as I leaned back in the passenger seat, all I could feel was that weight sittin’ on my chest again. It was heavier than it was before I woke up, and I already knew this day was about to be long as hell.
Court was a fuckin’ drag and I was ready to get the hell up out this seat before the day even really got started, but I ain’t have that option. I sat beside my lawyer with my back straight and my face blank like I had it all under control, even though everything in me felt piled up and pressin’ down in a way that made it hard for a nigga to even think straight.
These past couple months had been the same cycle over and over, and I was tired of sittin’ in that courtroom listenin’ to people twist shit. It literally felt like I was listenin’ to a broken record every day.
Roderick wasn’t sittin’ in court today. His wife was here though, sittin’ stiff with her eyes locked on me like she wanted me dead, and her only livin’ son was right there with her even after everything that went down outside this same courthouse months ago when Pressure knocked his ass clean the fuck out in front of everybody.
Security was heavy, more than usual, and I understood why, but none of that really registered the way it should’ve. I felt numb in a way I couldn’t shake, like my mind had shut certain parts off just so I could sit here without crashin’ out.
