The second I had her in my arms, everything else quieted down just a lil’. It wasn’t all the way, but it was enough for me to breathe different.
“Yeah… you just be up thinkin’, huh?” I said low, smirkin’ before I leaned in and kissed her.
I shifted her in my arms and felt her diaper, already knowin’ what it was when I felt that weight.
“A’ight… you out here soaked,” I muttered, layin’ her down so I could change her.
I handled her quick but careful, cleanin’ her up and gettin’ her into a fresh diaper while she kicked her legs, and I couldn’teven lie, that small shit right there kept me grounded more than anything else right now.
Once she was good, I picked her back up and walked over to the mini fridge, grabbin’ one of her bottles and settin’ it in the warmer while I held her against my chest.
That’s when I heard Toni.
“I’m breastfeedin’ her.”
Her tone already had that edge on it, like she woke up with an attitude ready. I paused for half a second before cuttin’ the warmer off and puttin’ the bottle back where it came from.
I wasn’t doin’ this shit with her this early.
I turned and handed My’Love to her without sayin’ nothin’, and she took her with that same look on her face, already irritated about somethin’ she wasn’t even speakin’ on, and I ain’t even bother askin’ ’cause I was tired of playin’ that game with her.
I moved past her and went into the bathroom, brushin’ my teeth and washin’ my face, then stepped in the shower and let the water run over me while my mind kept goin’ in circles.
To be honest, it wasn’t just the trial. It was Toni too. This shit between me and her been off for too fuckin’ long now. It felt like it was some shit that couldn’t fix itself no matter how much I tried to ignore it or push through it.
Yeah, I took care of her while she was in labor, and yeah, I had been makin’ sure she was good since she had my baby, but that ain’t mean everything between us just fixed itself. ’Cause the second shit calmed down, that distance slid right back in like it never left.
She say I don’t give her what she need, but from where I’m standin’, it feel like she don’t give me shit either.
I be comin’ home from sittin’ in court all day, hearin’ my name get dragged, listenin’ to bullshit ass lies, and when I walk through the door, I don’t get shit but attitude and silence, likeI’m supposed to just keep pourin’ into her without her ever givin’ me nothin’ back.
And I ain’t sayin’ I need her to beg me or some shit like that, but damn… meet a nigga halfway or somethin’.
Show me you still fuck with me the way I fuck with you.
But nah…she act like she ain’t capable of that.
She always held that shit in, then get slick on a nigga whenever she get mad, doin’ lil’ shit like snatchin’ my baby out my arms like I did somethin’ wrong, and never sayin’ a word about what the real issue is. After a while that shit got old too and wore on me more than I even wanted to admit.
By the time I got out the shower and got dressed, I already felt that weight sittin’ back on me, the one I carry every day now.
When I walked back over to Toni, she was sittin’ up feedin’ My’Love. She was quiet but still lookin’ like she had somethin’ to say.
I bent down and kissed my baby, lettin’ my lips linger on her soft skin for a second.
That’s when Toni spoke.
“How long you gon’ keep this shit up?”
I exhaled low, not even lookin’ at her right away. “I ain’t doin’ this shit with you right now, Toni.”
“That’s the problem,” she shot back. “You never do.”
I straightened up, finally lookin’ at her. “Toni…”
“No, ’Lo, you always got an excuse,” she cut in, her eyes already glassy. “You always tired, always got somethin’ on your mind, always got a reason not to deal with me like I get on yo’ nerves that fuckin’ bad.”
I shook my head, tryna keep it together. “And you always act like I’m supposed to read your mind instead of just sayin’ what the fuck you feelin’, Toni. You shut down, then get mad when I don’t chase behind that silence.”
