It had been building in my chest, getting bigger and bigger. I had hit my edge and couldn’t hold back.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Dr. Gray said.
“Oh my god, Danielle! What is wrong with you? I went running and had to take a quick shower. That’s it. I ran farther than I should have.That’s it!”
I took a deep, cleansing breath. “Let’s just get on with it.”
“What would you like to talk about or work on today? Did you guys have a good week?” Dr. Gray was looking at me because I was usually the one who spoke up first.
“I just feel myself giving up,” I said. Alex stayed quiet as I went on. “I tried to initiate sex this morning and it was terrible all-around.”
Alex made a noise like he was exasperated.
“Alex,” Dr. Gray said, “do you have anything to add?”
“I can’t turn her on. Maybe Lars can,” Alex said.
“Just stop that,” I sneered. I looked at Dr. Gray. “I need intimacy. Not quickies.”
“I try to kiss you all the time, Dani. You turn your head away. You act like you don’t want me to.”
“Not that kind of intimacy, Alex. You don’t get it.”
“Danielle,” Dr. Gray said, “let’s reframe and rephrase. Come on. What is intimacy to you and what do you need to feel turned on? But before you answer that, Alex—remember men and women are different. I’m not talking about physically. I’m talkingabout the foreplay that happens from the moment you’re done having sex the time before.”
“I’m not following,” Alex said. “I give her attention. I tell her she’s beautiful again and again. I try foreplay all the time, but she pushes me away then rushes into sex—”
I couldn’t help myself. “See! He doesn’t get it.”
Dr. Gray looked at me pointedly. “Danielle, tell him specifically whatitis.” When I started to speak, Dr. Gray said, “No! Tell Alex directly. Use the pronounsyouandI,nothim.”
“Fine.” I shifted on the cold, uncomfortable leather couch. Before I even opened my mouth to speak, I glanced up at the stuffed deer corpse mounted on the wall. My breath hitched. I shook my head diminutively.
“Focus,” Dr. Gray said.
It’s hard to keep your thoughts straight and quell your emotions when a dead animal is glaring at you. I tried to imagine being at home, on our bed. The bed we used to share.
Speaking directly to Alex, I said, “Okay. Can you face me?”
He turned his head only. “I’m looking right at you.”
“Tell him, Danielle,” Dr. Gray said.
I was crying before the first words came out of my mouth. My voice was shaky and weak, but as I went on, and despite the fact that I was hysterical, my conviction got stronger.
“Alex, I want you to be proud of me…and proud tobe with me. I want you to be fascinated by me, and by my brain, like you used to be. Enchanted by who I am, captivated by how I see the world, mystified by how someone like me can exist and by how you are the one who gets to hold me in your arms. I want you to be enamored, Alex! Even if it’s not true—I want you to pretend it is…and I want to believe the lie.”
I was sobbing. Hyperventilating.
Alex sat there, stunned into silence. The image is still a bloodyrazor in my mind. Alex on the leather couch, two feet away, hugging the armrest to get as far from me as possible, his head turned toward me and cocked slightly to the right, while his rigid body stayed facing the door, I assume so he could be ready to flee at any moment. He was staring at me…nonplussed. And directly behind him was the dead deer, looking equally bewildered.
I was blinking and wiping tears away. Nothing. He said nothing.
“Alex,” came Dr. Gray’s voice. I had almost forgotten Dr. Gray was there. Alex turned to look at him. “Do you have a response?”
Alex shook his head.
“Say something,” I said through tears.
