I looked down at my toes and up my own body. It was supposed to be subtle. The implication was,Look at me, I’m wearing a short, lace nightgown. At that time I was still hopeful. I believed if we stuck with Dr. Gray, it would all work itself out. We enjoyed his weird little exercises. But beyond the silliness of it, and laughing for a moment, it wasn’t actually bringing Alex and me any closer together.
“I just thought—”
“What? What did you think?” he said, not rudely. Obtuse.
Alex’s body language was telling me he was in a hurry. Always in a hurry. He stood there blinking, eyebrows arched.
“No one is here,” I said.
“Keen sense of the obvious,” he said, and smiled like he thought he was clever.
“Jesus, Alex.” He wasn’t getting it. “Uh…do you want to do me?”
“Danielle,” he scoffed.
“Well, why do you think I’m wearing this skimpy nightgown and blocking your way in the hallway and pointing out that we’re alone?” So many things I wish I didn’t have to say. So many times I felt we were in the same theater watching a different movie.
“Okay, let’s do it,” he said.
He walked past me into my bedroom and stood near the bed, still fully clothed. In a way, I was on autopilot as I walked up next to him, pulled my nightgown up to my waist, and bent over the bed. I could see him in the closet mirror. He pulled his shorts and underwear down to about mid-thigh and took one arm out of his shirt so half of his shirt was bunched on his shoulder. This was something I recognized. He did it so his shirt wouldn’t get in the way, but so that he wouldn’t have to take it off completely and put it back on afterward. He still had his running shoes on when he started thrusting. It hurt.
I closed my eyes and tried to pretend we were young again, that we were in love. I tried to go somewhere else.
“Can you get down lower? Your legs are too long,” he said between breaths.
My legs are disproportionately long, so Alex does have to sort of stand on the balls of his feet when we’re having sex standing up. I shimmied down and spread my legs wider so the entireupper half of my body was flush with the top of the bed. My face and chest were rubbing back-and-forth against the comforter with every plunge. Idly, I thought that I was getting some much-needed exfoliation for my face.
Why did I want this?What do I look like back there?
I was trying desperately to stay in the moment, or at least the moment I imagined in my mind.
It was taking longer than usual and the sex was getting rougher and harder to tolerate. He wasn’t intentionally hurting me, I just wasn’t into it. Apparently, neither was he.
Finally, after what felt like forever, he stopped and said, “This can’t feel good to you.”
“What’s wrong? Do I not turn you on?”
“I’m not the one who’s not turned-on; do you realize that?” he barked.
“Then what is the problem?” I said.
“I don’t know, Dani. Let’s just forget it,” he said.
“But…can we just lie down and talk about this for a second?”
“I wanted to get a run in.” His tone was not mean or rude, it was almost apologetic, but it didn’t matter.
“Go, then. I’ll see you at Dr. Gray’s. I have errands to run after, so we can drive separately.”
“Okay, bye. I’m sorry,” he said as he kissed me on the forehead.
After he left I cried for twenty minutes. Then Alex was fifteen minutes late to our appointment. During that time, Dr.Gray tried to make small talk with me. When I acted aloof about his idle chatter, he said, “Danielle, do you want to talk one-on-one until Alex gets here and then I can schedule a separate appointment with him? I don’t normally do that, but it could be beneficial.”
“No,” I said. I truly had no interest.
Alex finally got there, sat down next to me, and said, “Sorry, I needed to shower and time got away from me.” He glanced over at me quickly and then looked back at Dr. Gray.
“What are you saying, Alex? That it’s my fault you’re late, or that you were masturbating in the shower because you couldn’t get off with me?”
