“I don’t know what to say,” he whispered.
“Anything,” I said in a voice that sounded like a mewling cat.
“I think I do all of those things,” he said with no emotion whatsoever. “You don’t exactly act like I’m the bee’s knees, Danielle.”
After that, I became the quiet one. Dr. Gray leaned forward in his leather wingback chair, resting his elbows on his knees, clasped his hands together, and said, “Are you guys familiar with the Gottman Institute?”
Alex shook his head while I nodded.
Dr. Gray went on. “They refer to the Four Horsemen—”
“Of the apocalypse?” Alex laughed. It was insensitive. Not so much what he said, but the fact that the mood was intensely serious and he tried to make a joke.
“That’s right, Alex,” Dr. Gray said. “So the four horsemen in a relationship refer to contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When these four behaviors are involved, it’s reallydifficult to make any progress at all. You might be wondering why I’m bringing this up now instead of doing one of my silly exercises?”
My eyes shot open. Was he admitting the exercises were trivial and just a waste of time?
“Go on,” I said.
“The exercises are to give you an insignificant topic to conversate about when you leave. It’s not team building, like people think. These dead animals mounted all over the room, they’re not mine. I got them from a Hollywood prop house. They’re just conversation starters. I’ve stopped our sessions ten minutes early and neither of you have said a thing about it. My hope was that every day you would leave here and talk about me or this office, or the silly exercises. Most people do, then realize they have a lot more in common than they thought. It leads to other, deeper conversations in private. You see?”
“This whole thing is just a made-up game? This is complete insanity,” I said.
“Not really. I think today you should go home and contemplate why this method that has helped so many people who want to stay together has proved useless with you guys. Can you think of a reason why?”
“Because we’re stubborn,” Alex said.
“Maybe,” Dr. Gray replied.
I didn’t say it out loud…I couldn’t, but in my head, I knew it was because we didn’twantto stay together.
Alex huffed and then said, “Well, now that you’ve blown your cover—”
“We can still do talk therapy, but that involves talking. I don’t think you guys are hopeless. I brought up the four horsemen because I see a lot of contempt from you, Danielle; and Alex,you are constantly stonewalling her. Eighty-five percent of stonewallers are men. This isn’t uncommon. I’m guessing, Alex, you think that if you speak up you’ll make things worse?”
Alex shrugged.
Dr. Gray continued, “Staying quiet actually makes things worse. The frustration that you cause Danielle by not saying anything is instantaneous and obvious.”
I was shocked. Dr. Gray wasn’t holding back. At first it felt like he was taking my side. A shit-eating smile spread across my face, which I later regretted.
Alex winced. “I feel like I’m being crucified now.”
“No,” Dr. Gray replied, “not at all. I’m telling you, point-blank, what you two need to do to heal this marriage. Danielle, you’re a writer, for Christ’s sake. You need to learn how to use the proper language when you’re talking to Alex so he doesn’t want to go running for the hills. Do you guys see how it all boils down to communication? Danielle, you are constantly pouring fuel on the fire, while Alex is hiding in the corner, shooting himself in the foot and wondering why his goddamn foot hurts.”
Dr. Gray took a deep breath. Now there were three deer in headlights—me, Alex, and the stuffed one behind us. It was beyond unprofessional and un-therapist-like, but I appreciated Dr. Gray’s candor that day.
“Listen,” he went on, “stonewalling is a very common behavior in men. I promise there’s hope for you guys. If Danielle were stonewalling, I might not think so. When the woman does it, it’s very indicative of divorce. You can just stop doing it, Alex, it’s not that complicated. All you have to do is start telling Danielle how you feel. And Danielle, I have learned over the course of this therapy that you are a very forgiving person.Forgive himfor shutting down. Listen to him communicate with the beautiful language you are so familiar with.”
Alex turned his whole body this time and looked at me. “Well?” he said.
“Time’s up,” Dr. Gray blurted out.
“What?” I barked. Finally making some progress and then time’s up? I looked at the clock, he was right. We were actually twenty minutes over.
Alex stood and reached out his hand to help me stand. “Well, Dr. Gray, I guess we’ll let you know what the plan is,” Alex said.
“Okay. You guys take care.”
