I told Anna that I had decided to join the crew of theSolace, and she spent the day talking about our upcoming adventure. She seemed buoyed by the idea of going to Hawaii and was almost like her old self.
Mama took us shopping for a few things we would need on the island, like new swimming suits and sunglasses, and I reveled in Anna’s excitement. If I hadn’t known about December 7, I would have been thrilled at the prospect of going to Hawaii as well.
Eventually the day came to an end, and we were back at the train depot, twenty-four short hours after we arrived in Williamsburg.
“I can’t believe we’re saying good-bye once again,” Mama said as she hugged Anna and then took me into her arms. She held me so tight, tears stung my eyes, and I squeezed her in return. “Thank you for spending the day with me,” she said as she pulled back, tears in her own eyes. “I will be praying for you every single day, Maggie. And no matter what you choose, Daddy and I will understand.”
“I’ll write to you,” I promised.
“You’d better.” She used a fresh handkerchief to wipe at my tears and then at her own.
Daddy stood by, his gentle eyes taking in the two of us. He had always been handsome, but he’d become even more so as he aged. I walked into his embrace next, feeling completely enveloped in his strength and love.
“I’m so proud of you,” he said quietly, for my ears alone, though I’m sure he said the same to Anna when he had hugged her. “No matter where you decide to stay, Maggie, you will be a blessing, and that’s exactly why you were created.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” I stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Steam released from the engine, and the conductor called all aboard.
I gave Teddy a hug and told him to be safe, and then it was time for Anna and me to board the train back to Bethesda and on to our future.
After we were situated on the train and it had left the station, I sat back on the bench and sighed.
“Saying good-bye is so hard,” Anna mused as she looked out the window at the passing countryside. “Sometimes you get to the point that you just want it to be over, even if thatmeans heartache and pain. The anticipation and dread of it is exhausting. Sometimes it’s even harder than the actual parting.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Part of me wanted it to be January so I could just get it over with. It was getting harder and harder to pretend like the end wasn’t in sight.
I had five months left before my birthday.
Although I was thankful I had control over which path to choose, a small part of me wished God would choose for me. No matter which path I ended up in, there would be pain and heartache, so what did it truly matter?
18
AUGUST 3, 2001
WASHINGTON, DC
The day had been long and difficult in my trauma and emergency surgery rotation. We had lost a cardiac patient that morning, and I had gone in with the surgeon to tell the patient’s wife and children he wasn’t going home. It was truly the worst part of my job, no matter which path I occupied, and it would take me days to shake off the heaviness.
But it hadn’t ended there. Dr. Erdman had called me into his office to tell me I had been given a poor review by one of my professors. She’d said my recent research papers lacked depth of study and I’d been late to several shifts. If things didn’t improve, Dr. Erdman would remove me from the running for a position in the surgical residency program.
I left the hospital with a heavy heart, disappointed in myself, though I shouldn’t be surprised. Since meeting Seth, I had been falling behind. I couldn’t blame him, though. I had said yes to each of his invitations. Why was it so hard to say no to him? Other than the fact that he made me feel young, attractive, and wanted?
I glanced at my watch, realizing how late it was. I had promised Seth I would attend a black-tie fundraiser with him at the Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum that evening, and he was picking me up at my apartment in less than an hour. I had seen him several times since he kissed me in the park, but neither of us had discussed it or what it meant, and I wanted to keep it that way for now.
Delilah wasn’t home when I arrived at our apartment, so I got dressed without her help. I chose the simple black gown I’d worn to the White House the night I met Seth and twisted my hair into a low chignon. My heart wasn’t in the event, but again, it wasn’t Seth’s fault, so I didn’t want to blame him.
There was no one to blame but myself.
As I prepared for the evening, all I could think about was what I needed to tell Seth. Even before getting the poor review, I knew things had to change. We needed to slow down. It helped that Seth was returning to South Carolina for the next three weeks. I had toyed with the idea of not telling him we needed to take a serious break, to just let those three weeks settle between us, but the bad review suggested I needed to stand stronger. I needed to tell Seth that we couldn’t see each other when he came back to DC in September. It would be better to put more time and distance between us. Then maybe I could finish medical school strong and make a decision about my path without the complication of my feelings for him.
I was more determined than ever when he finally buzzed my apartment. It was hot, so I didn’t grab a shawl as I left to meet him in front of our building.
He wore his tuxedo again—and when he turned to greet me, I couldn’t deny he was handsome. His all-American good looks never ceased to amaze me. How could one man be so attractive, both in personality and appearance? No wonder it was so hard to say no to him.
