“She doesn’t want to talk to me,” I say feebly.
My mom sees right through it. “Honey, she’s upset. And you’re upset. But unless you’re planning to hide from her forever and give up your friendship and your job, you need to talk to her.”
I take a deep breath.
“Those aren’t really options,” Mom says. “You have to talk to her.”
I laugh, in spite of myself. “Yeah, I got that.”
“If I were you, I’d lead with the apology. And follow it shortly after with how much you love her. And then another apology.”
“Okay, okay! I know how to talk to Su-Lin.”
“Do you?” Mom asks. “Because—”
“Thanks!” I say into the phone, cutting her off. “Thanks a lot, Mom. I’m going to go do that now.”
“I love you. I’m here for you, no matter what.”
“I know,” I say, more sincerely this time. “Thank you.”
I hang up and climb out of my car, continuing to take deep breaths.The panic is there, starting in my chest and bleeding outward.
She’s going to reject me. She’s finally, once and for all, had enough of me, and I’m going to lose her forever.
But if I don’t get off my ass, I’m going to lose her anyway, and I love her so much that I have to tell her how I feel. It’s necessary, for her and for me.
I stalk across the parking lot, and then I have an idea. It’s crazy, and stupid, and something Su-Lin would love, if she wasn’t too mad at me to love anything.
So I get back in my car, start the engine, and head off to buy some supplies.
Twenty-five
Su-Lin
When I get into our room, I try not to see all the reminders of Brendan and me, but it’s impossible to escape.The Gudetama toaster next to a bag with only the butt-ends of the bread loaf left.Twister, set on top of a few boxes of left-over merch that Emily had brought up earlier in the day when the dealers room closed. Shot glasses from last night, which the maids apparently rinsed out, stacked inside each other.
I’ve only known him for four months, but my whole life is a reminder of us.
I wanted it that way; I wanted more, in fact. A whole life thatwasus, together in every way. I still long for that—forhim—more than anything in the world, even though I know now it was just a fantasy, like our beach house. Just a dream that won’t ever come true.
I don’t know how I’ll ever stop wanting it.
I strip offThe Dress with far less reverence than I put it on, back when I thought it was some holy relic to put all my desperate faith in.The dress drops to the floor and I leave it there, on top of the sneakers I kick off. I grab the first shirt I can see in my suitcase—Cookie Monster, a long-time fave—and some comfy pajama shorts with bright polka dots on them.
Just grow up, Su-Lin, I hear again and again.
But the truth is, even as I complained to Emily about my Care Bears t-shirt and braids, I like the way I dress. I like fun clothes that make me smile, with bright colors and goofy jokes on them. I like bubble machines and cartoon eggs having existential crises on toast. And I love making a living—and a damn good one!—with a puppet show that makes people laugh.
I don’t know how to be anyone else, and I don’t think I could be happy trying.
I wish it was enough for Brendan. Not that he doesn’t love me as I am—I know he does. He’s my best friend. But enough for him to beinlove with. He wanted to be, I really do believe that, despite my angry accusations. He wasn’t using me. He really tried.
He should get to be happy, to find that person he can truly love. I know I want that for him, even through my hurt.
But right now, there’s nothing making it through that hurt but more of the same.
I wash my face, only looking in the mirror enough to see that I got all the makeup off. No faces at myself this time; I already know I’m way too sad to look like Su-Lin. I pull the pins out of my hair, dropping them each with a little plink on the ceramic.Then, even though the room lights are still on—for some reason I can’t handle the thought of being in the dark right now, though that’s not usually a fear I have—I crawl into my bed and squish my little person-shaped pillow up against me.Tears leak out onto the puffy clouds on the fabric, a kind of upside-down rain, but at least I’m not sobbing anymore. Mostly, I’m starting to feel numb. Like my body is trying to shut out the pain.
