“And she’s just told you she’s in love with you.”
“Yes. But she also said—”
“And you’ve clearly done some things you need to apologize for, right?”
I’m quiet for a second. “Yeah. And I will. But I don’t think I can fix it.”
“It sounds like an apology would go a long way. And a long talk about how you both really feel.”
I know she’s right, but I still— “I don’t think I should tell her how I feel. What would be the point? She’d be happier without me.”
“How can you say that?”
The tears are coming in full force, and I can barely get the words out. “I’m a mess, Mom. It sucks, because I know you’ve spent years trying to help me, but I’m still fucked up. When things went bad with Candace, I chased after her and wouldn’t stop. I was awful to her. I clung so hard and I wouldn’t let her go, and it wasn’t until after I knew she’d been fucking my friends for six years that I finally let her walk out on me. I’m not going to do that to Su-Lin. I’m not.”
Mom hesitates. “No,” she says. “You’re not.”
“Exactly.”
“I mean right now. You’re not doing that. You’re not calling her or chasing after her or begging her to take you back.”
I nod. “So that means I’ll apologize, and then I’m done.That’s the right thing to do. Spare her my messed up brain and my messed up life.”
Mom is quiet. I know she thinks that’s the wrong answer, but I don’t know what else to do.
“Or,” Mom says, “you could apologize, be honest with her, tell her exactly how you feel, and see if you guys can work something out.”
I sniff. My nose is running like hell, and I don’t have anything to wipe it with. “I thought we just said chasing after her would be the wrong thing to do.”
“Don’t chase her, not in the way you did with Candace,” Mom says. “But honey, Su-Lin loves you. And don’t you think she knew about your issues before this week? I think she understands.”
I shake my head. “But I’m different in relationships. It’s my attachment issues, you know?They turn me into a terrible person.”
“Brendan,” she says. “You’ve only had one relationship, and I’m going to tell you this right now—she’s the one who was fucked up and awful. You made some mistakes, but you did the best you could. You have the best heart of anyone I’ve ever known, and when you give it to someone, you give it all the way. Any girl would be lucky to have you, but I have never seen you as happy as you are with Su-Lin. Not once in your whole life. So you need to go talk to her and tell her how you feel. If she doesn’t want to be with you, you can let her go, but think about it. You don’t want to let her go if there’s any way you could prevent it.”
She’s right. I don’t. But this terrified part of me is sure it’s hopeless, and that’s the part that wants to run away from all of it, to never see her again.
That would mean no more show. No more job. No more hours on end spent laughing with the most incredible girl in the whole world.
I can’t. I can’t lose her knowing there was more I could have done.
“I’m such a fucking coward,” I say.
“No,” Mom says. “You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met. You’ve spent years facing down demons that scare the pants off of me, but you just keep getting up and facing them all over again, no matter how many times they beat you down.That’s courage. And now it’s time to step up and do it again.”
My eyes fill with tears all over again. My mom is the person who knows me the best, after Su-Lin. I’ve always felt like I’ve failed her, like she’s given me every advantage to overcome the shit my father did to us and the hell that was my relationship with Candace, and I just can’t rise above it.
To hear that this is the opposite of what she feels . . .
“Thanks, Mom,” I say.
“I know it doesn’t mean anything coming from me, because I’m your mother. But—”
“No, it does,” I say. “It means everything, actually.”
Mom is quiet. I know she feels like she’s been trying to talk sense at me for years and I never listen, but it isn’t true. I listen. It just doesn’t make the problems go away. “I’m glad,” she says finally.
My brain is still running in circles, trying to find a way to get out of facing Su-Lin, of handing her my heart to do with as she pleases.
