I slowly slipped up the side of the barn, listening for any sound that could tell me he was there. After a few seconds, I heard sniffling and a long, drawn out exhale. He sounded so profoundly sad that it made my heart clench. I shook it off and readied my guitar, my lucky Queen pick in hand.
Gentle, warm chords echoed in the quiet summer air, the song coming to me easily despite my nerves. The lyrics hit me in a wave of nostalgia, remembering how often I would play this for him…for us.
I had played for Theo countless times, serenaded him for every special occasion and random romantic moment in between, but this was different. It was an apology. My act of contrition.
I sang to him as a plea to let me in, to not let this be the end of everything. I couldn’t think of any song more fitting for this place, our Neverland. Somewhere only we knew.
The last chord faded into the rustling of trees and birds warbling. I walked around to the front of the barn and set my guitar down gently behind me. I couldn’t see Theo lying down on the loft above, but I could hear the slight crinkle of hay from his movement. I fidgeted with the pick, twirling it in my fingers as I waited on bated breath for his response, any response.
“You know, I haven’t been able to listen to that song since the last time you played it for me.”
Warmth spread through me at the sound of his familiar rasp. It was ridiculous how desperately happy I was to hear his voice now that I’d let the veil of anger fall away. But his admission cramped my insides.
Theo rolled to the edge of the loft, propping up on one elbow to stare down at me. The dark circles under his eyes and stringy, unwashed hair worried me, but they did nothing to detract from how truly beautiful he was.
“It hurt too much to listen to,” he said flatly. “Still does.”
“Oh…I’m sorry. It was meant to make you…happy, I guess,” I finished lamely.
“Hmm.”
“Yeah…”
“Okay.”
Jesus. What an epic start to the U.S. leg of your Apology Tour, Hayes. You’re getting booed off stage.
“Do you mind coming down here? I…there’s things I want to say to you.”
Of course, the song was supposed to speak for me, but apparently it was as effective as speaking Farsi. Perfect.
Theo cocked his head slightly, appraising me with bleak, lifeless eyes, rimmed in red. Unease rippled through me thelonger he stared at me with that hollow expression, but eventually he rolled onto his feet and climbed down the ladder.
He sauntered over to me, his movements heavy and slow. His clothes were wrinkled and even from where I stood I could tell he didn’t smell the best. Guilt curdled in my gut knowing I was the cause. The last time we spoke, I had gone with the intention to smooth things over and instead made everything worse.
“Why are you here?” His voice was uncharacteristically quiet and monotone.
“I, um…so the thing is…”
Good Lord, why was this so hard? I had found the words to tear him down easily enough, so why couldn’t I find the ones to fix this? Theo only continued to stare, not even a flicker of emotion crossing his face. I blew out a flustered breath and tried again.
“I thought about it and uh…would you—I mean, is it possible for us to be…friends? Like actual friends who talk and hang out and stuff. Not “stuff” like dirty stuff, but just…you know what I mean.”
Wow. This. This is why I can’t be trusted to talk.
Theo didn’t react to my bumbling ineptitude. In fact, he didn’t react at all. The only indication that he’d heard anything was the tiniest furrow in his brow. Heat flooded my face at the uncomfortable silence that settled over us.
I could feel him slipping away from me with each second. I could see the fractional slump in his shoulders, the slightest droop in his mouth, his chest deflating with a long, slow breath. Panic surged and I scrambled for how to fix it before he walked away from me.
Again.
“Wait, I know you may not trust me because of what I said about not being ready for that, but I want to try. I really do! The truth is that I wanted to keep punishing you for how thingsended with us, but I understand that it wasn’t entirely your fault and the parts that were were only done because you were scared and hurting too. I get it now. I didn’t want to before, but I do now! I know you were scared and all I did was blame you and hate you for it. And I know we can’t get back what we had, but I hate this, Theo. I really fucking hate this. I miss you and Ihatehating you!”
My confession ended in a breathless tumble, desperation pouring from every syllable. I was flayed open, things coming out I hadn’t quite intended but I couldn’t hold them in. I only hoped it was enough.
Theo’s eyes flared the slightest bit and he swallowed hard. My breathing was labored, my breaths coming in quick pants in time with my racing heart. I fought the instinct to go to him as much as I did the urge to run away. Time felt stretched out like taffy, slowed down as if to drag the moment out.
Finally, when I was sure I’d pass out from lack of proper oxygen, Theo took a step closer. And another one. And another until he was standing so close to me I could see the striations of silver in his clear blue eyes. Eyes that were coated in misery, but sparked with the tiniest flicker of hope.
