Shit.
“Why the hell were you snooping on my computer, creep?” I tried to sound indignant, but it mostly came out strangled.
She smirked down at me. “Because I’m your younger sister and I’d never pass up an opportunity for blackmail. But also because my friend Sarah bet me that you two would break up before graduation and I wanted to rub it in her face how wrong she was.”
Her eyes flared in remorse as she realized what she’d said. “Oh damn it, I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking! I didn’t mean…shit.”
“It’s okay,” I reassured her, my voice dull. “I mean, she was right in the end, wasn’t she?”
Dani’s eyes flashed with regret, but she let it go. I turned off my keyboard and trudged over to my bed, flopping down onto my back. Dani’s small form plopped down next to me, both of us staring up at the ceiling in contemplative silence.
“Why did he leave us like that?” she eventually asked in a tiny voice.
Her question squeezed my heart. In all my years of fuming and hurting over Theo’s abrupt departure, I never thought about how Dani was affected by it.
I should have, but I was so far up my own ass that I hadn’t thought about the fact he was, for all intents and purposes, another brother to her. They’d loved each other. When I’d lost him, so had she.
“I’m not sure it’s my place to tell you,” I started off carefully.
“Well, he sure as hell isn’t telling me anything! He hasn’t even tried to talk to me once this summer. I keep missing him when he’s over here, but I shouldn’t have to be the one to reach out first anyway,” she pouted. My heart ached for her because I knew exactly how it felt to be ignored and avoided by him.
“I’m sorry, Dani. I’m not sure why he hasn’t come to see you, but I know he’s not meaning to hurt you. He’s just…got a lot going on. And every time he and I have talked, it’s been pretty rough so I imagine it’s not easy for him to think of coming to you, Mom, or Dad yet.”
Dani nodded slowly, blowing out a heavy breath. “Yeah, I understand that…but it still sucks. You really can’t tell me anything? What happened for him to push us away?”
“He left for some…health reasons and made a bad call to cut ties to try to make it easier.”
“Ugh, easier for who?” she grumbled sadly.
“For himself. He was really scared and he didn’t want it to hurt worse than it already did.”
I stopped, my own words echoing back to me in a clarity that stole my breath. I’d been so caught up in feeling betrayed, abandoned, and disposed of that I had lost sight of how much pain Theo must have been in to do what he did.
I knew Theo. Down to his very soul, I knew him better than anyone. He was romantic, goofy and loyal. He loved hard and deep and had never once made me doubt his feelings when wewere dating. He never would have left like that without feeling like he had no other choice…like his world was ending and it’s all he could do.
God fucking damn it, he alsohada choice. He could have fucking talked to me, not blocked me and shut me out when we needed each other the most. But I couldn’t honestly say I know what I’d do if the situation were reversed.
It’s easy to judge when the choice isn’t yours to make.
This merry-go-round of past mistakes couldn’t keep spinning like this. I had told Theo that I wasn’t ready to forgive him or be his friend, but that was the problem. The forgiveness wouldn’t be for him. It would be for me, to release me from this purgatory of anger and pain.
Yes, Theo had fucked up royally and hurt me in many ways, but deep down I know he hadn’t truly meant to. I can’t remember a time growing up that he had ever caused me pain, so why was I clinging to this resentment so damn tight? For all he was and used to be to me, I could forgive him his mistakes. I could let go of what we were and start fresh as friends.
Regardless of the years of distance and heartache, Theo was still my soulmate. Maybe it was only meant to be platonically. Maybe that was our real destiny despite the hopes we once held for our future. Either way, I could no sooner erase Theo from my heart than I could physically tear it from my chest.
I launched off the bed and Dani squawked in complaint as I jostled her. I grabbed my guitar off the wall and slung it over my shoulder.
“What the heck are you doing, weirdo?”
“I have something I need to do,” I said hurriedly, looking around for my phone and catching a glimpse of something odd out the window. “Uh, by the way, Stella is swimming in the pool and gnawing on your inflatable dolphin.”
“What?!” Dani screeched, hopping off my bed and rushing out my door at record speed. “How did she get out again?Goats don’t even like the water!” I heard her screaming as she rushed down the stairs.
I laughed for the first time in days, a renewed sense of determination fueling me. I quickly made my way out to our golf cart and zoomed across the expansive lawn toward the back of the property. If what Dani said was true about his habits the last few days, I hoped I’d find him there.
The golf cart crawled to a stop far enough away from the barn that he wouldn’t hear me coming. I didn’t want to give him time to ask questions or talk first. My words had gotten us into enough mess and I was never good at them anyway.
Music had always been the easiest way to communicate for me. I thought in quarter notes and responded in eighth notes. My pulse beat in 4/4 time and lyrics filled my head, giving me the words that didn’t come easily. This was the best way I knew how to get through to Theo.
