I didn’t want to know what I did while I was fucked up. It would only make me loathe myself more.
“Not to be rude, but what are you doing here?” I asked. My head was pounding and it took immense willpower to concentrate.
Corvin slouched forward to rest his elbows on his knees, furrowing his brows as he looked me over.
“I caught up to you when I saw you leaving the party. You were still kind of out of it and when you said you lived next door, I walked you back home to make sure you got inside okay. But you seemed really upset, so I showed up yesterday morning to check on you. I just felt like some of that might have been my fault…”
I waited for his words to trigger some memory of what had happened following the party until now, but it was still a murky blur. Since I was too cowardly to ask what might have gone down between us, I asked the next most important question.
“How did I get high again? Did you bring shit with you?”
Corvin cleared his throat and he fidgeted with his hands. “No, but when I came by to talk to you, you were kinda irritable and kept mumbling to yourself about something. You wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. You just asked me to call Aaron for some more party favors. I mean, I fought you on it at first but you wouldn’t let it go, so I texted him to come hang out.”
Shit, that definitely sounded like me after a coke high. The comedown sucked ass and always put me in the worst mood. I rubbed at my throbbing temple and breathed deeply through my nostrils.
“What exactly did I take?”
“Uhh well, we all drank on and off all day, but he still had some coke left so you guys rolled some dirty joints and hit about two or three of those. Then you grabbed a couple Xanax from your room and eventually passed out on the couch around three in the morning. He headed out after that. I made sure to flip you on your side just in case you…you know, got sick or something.”
“Fuck me,” I breathed. It wasn’t the first time I had used a Xanny to smooth out the ride down from mixing weed and coke. I had sworn to myself I was past this shit, but one disastrous night with Dawson and all my good intentions came crashing down.
I was lucky I didn’t fucking OD, though part of me didn’t entirely care if I had.
It’s not like you haven’t been there before…
Corvin’s forehead was etched with worry lines as he abused his bottom lip. I wasn’t sure if he expected me to keel over right there or was waiting for me to talk to him, but I just wanted to be alone. I gingerly stood and stretched, the movement rippling through my muscles like fire.
“Wait, what time is it? Hell, whatdayis it?”
Corvin grabbed his phone off the side table before answering. “It’s about one thirty in the afternoon on the sixth.”
Over a day lost on a stupid bender. Fuck…
“I’m sorry about all that, man. I’m not sure what got into me,” I muttered, averting my gaze.
Except I knew exactly why I’d gone off the rails. The missing hours since Corvin had come over might have been fuzzy, but my fight with Dawson was still crystal fucking clear. I had wanted to forget, to be able to breathe again, but even my mini spiral hadn’t been enough to drown it all out.
It all still rang in my head, sadistic and loud. Dawson’s feral words that I meant nothing to him, that he was finally done with me made me want to fall at his feet and beg him not to give up onme. It was though my chest had been set ablaze, incinerating the last threads of hope I had for us.
The voices were getting stronger and I didn’t want to fight them anymore. I was so damn tired. Tired of being strong, of keeping it all together, of just…fucking existing.
What was the point when my soul no longer had its other half? Why work so hard to get through each day when my heart was living outside of my chest and wanted nothing to do with me anymore?
“Nah, it’s all good,” Corvin assured me sheepishly. “I figured you must have been dealing with something really rough, is all. It’s just crazy you don’t really remember anything.”
“Yeah, that happens when you chase benzos with booze,” I croaked out, rubbing at my eyes and exhausted to my damn bones.
“Oh shit,” he murmured with wide eyes. “I didn’t know that. No wonder you’re hungover as fuck.”
I waved my hand dismissively, but froze when I saw him stand to slip on his sweatpants and pull on his shirt. I hadn’t noticed he’d also been half naked when we were talking, but now it was all I could focus on. Nausea swirled in my gut. I hadn’t wanted my shameful actions confirmed, but the possibility seemed too big to ignore.
“Uh, did we…”
I trailed off, unable to finish because I still wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. Corvin quirked a brow at me in question. I gestured awkwardly between the two of us and the lightbulb went off in his head.
“You mean, did we fuck?”
Bile surged in my throat and all I could manage was a quick nod. Corvin’s cheeks reddened darker than before and he let out a nervous laugh.
