“Nah, we didn’t. I-I mean, I…tried to throw hints and went in to kiss you once, but when I noticed you were too out of it, I stopped. After that, we all just got more hammered, so it wouldn’t have happened anyway.”
Relief hit me hard and fast. I shouldn’t have been as shocked as I was, but it was just another side effect of what I lived with. Two sides of me constantly at war with each other, pulling me up then dragging me down in a vicious tug of war that I would never win. This side always felt preferable than the alternative, but it robbed me of all impulse control and self preservation. What went down with Corvin at the party was proof of that. I was just fucking glad it hadn’t happened twice.
Not that it mattered. Dawson despised me now and wouldn’t touch me again. I could shave my head and live as a celibate monk and it wouldn’t change that fact.
The thought soured my stomach further and I rushed off to the downstairs bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face, breathing through the sick feeling until it had passed. I relieved myself and washed my hands, and when I came out Corvin was standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets.
“You alright?”
“I’m good,” I murmured. “Look, I appreciate you coming over to check on me and for...”
“Helping you get loaded for sixteen hours straight?” he smirked shyly.
“Yeah, that,” I breathed out on a chuckle. “It was also cool of you to make sure I was safe after. Thanks for that. And just so you know, you weren’t the reason I was upset. That was all on me.”
He nodded and let out a relieved sigh. “Cool. Well, in that case, would you…I don’t know, wanna grab dinner or something next weekend?”
I could only blink at him as I processed his words. “Like a…date?”
“Sure,” he smiled. “I know we kinda went zero to sixty since we met, what with the BJ and impromptu pharm party, but I’d like to get to know you if you’d let me. I’ll be a perfect gentleman, I swear!”
My heart twisted at the offer. If we’d met before Dawson’s party or even before May, I would have said yes. I would have been up for anything and relished in my disinhibition. I would have fucked him and used him however I wanted because I wouldn’t have cared. I didn’t truly need drugs to be high. My mind took me up and down without my knowledge or cooperation, and when I was up I had no walls or filters. No boundaries. No fear.
But things had changed. I could feel it. I was being dragged back down, swamped with shame, guilt, and disgust. It was a mental clarity that should have been relieving, but was instead biting and caustic. Things I’d said and done over the last several weeks pommeled my brain as I spun out internally over what I’d done.
Why did I ever think I could handle this? Control it? What does it say about me that my own mind turns against me and all I do is give into it?
“Theo?”
I snapped my head up at the sound of my name. I couldn’t handle this right now. It was too much.
“Oh, I…I’m seriously flattered, but I’m not quite ready for that right now. I’m sorry,” I replied. His face fell a bit, but he shot me a small smile anyway.
“Hey, no worries, I get it. Can I at least get your number? It couldn’t hurt to have another friend, right?” he said good-naturedly.
I nodded my agreement and went to grab my phone off the sofa. The screen lit up and I saw a notification from PayPal that I’d sent Aaron a sizable chunk of change for his merchandise. I grunted in annoyance at the reminder of my stupidity, but unlocked my phone and handed it to Corvin. Once he’d texted himself from my number and saved his info on my phone, I walked him to the door.
“So I’ll text you and maybe we can meet up for coffee or studying sometime?” Corvin asked, hovering at the threshold expectantly.
“Yeah, maybe,” I said noncommittally. “Uh, drive safe, okay?”
He smiled and shifted on his feet a bit before closing the distance between us, planting a kiss on my cheek. I was stunned and frozen as he walked out to his car and took off. I ambled back into the house, my head a mess of thoughts I couldn’t begin to decipher.
I knew from experience that this was the start of a slow slide that I always dreaded. Unless I wanted to flood my body with narcotics, there was no way out of it but through it.
God, I hated this part so fucking much. I felt panic start to well up in my chest thinking about the abyss that waited for me now that the high was over. It was a shift that was subtle, but also like a wrecking ball to my system. Maybe Dad had been right to keep me on my meds.
My hand floated up to my chest as it always did in stressful moments, but the ring wasn’t there. My breath hitched at the memory of Dawson throwing it at me in his room. He gave it back. I didn’t want to think about the cruel words he spewed as he did it, so I only focused on the fact thathe gave it back.
Where the fuck is it then?!
I dove for the couch, spastically searching the cushions and the floor surrounding it but coming up empty. I spun around,eyes searching without really seeing as my breathing sped up and I fought to stay grounded.
A glint of silver snagged my attention on the mantle and I froze. I didn’t know why it was there, but I didn’t care. I snatched it up quickly, hugging it to my chest. My breath left me in a rush and I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears that sprang up. I wanted to curl up in a ball like fucking Gollum and never let it out of my sight again.
Christ, I was such a mess.
A timid knock at the door startled me.I shoved down my irritation at the interruption, assuming Corvin had forgotten something and come back. I trudged over to open the door and my heart stuttered at the sight of the man on my porch.
