Without thinking, I reach across the table and grab his arm, squeezing it hard.
He takes a stuttering breath in and shakes his head, slowly lowering his hand from his head. “I don’t understand. I don’t know why I’m afraid of you. I look for you all day, but avoid you at the same time. And when I see you, I want to run away and hide. But I also want to sit with you and just hear you laugh. I’m so mad that you left, but I also know why you did. I miss you so fucking much, but I lock up when you’re around. Like something inside me can’t trust you. So I just get… mad.”
I nod, letting that all sink in. Then I squeeze his arm again and gently pull it towards me so he lifts his gaze to meet mine.
“I know you needed me that summer,” I say, looking into his beautiful hazel eyes, wishing I could take away the pain and confusion living inside him. “And I needed you too. But we were both in a tough spot. I know you were having a hard time with me being away,and I get it. So when I found out about the internship, just days before coming home, I had no idea how to tell you. Because it was going to hurt. Not just you, but me too. So I avoided it for too long until I couldn’t avoid it anymore. But it ended up hurting both of us… and then we both just hurt each other even more.”
Silas nods, still looking into my eyes like he’s as desperate for this contact as I am.
“You feel like I left you because I chose a future that didn’t include you, and I feel like you left me because it was easierto walk away than grow with me,” I say. “But… we were both wrong.”
He blinks as he pulls a breath in and nods again.
“I think we can move past it,” I say. “Because I’m here now. And… I don’t want to leave.”
Silas’s eyes drop to my hand on his arm, and confusion twists his features once again.
“I just don’t understand,” he says quietly.
“What?” I ask.
“Why I want this, but part of me just keeps fighting it…sohard. And whyyouwant this…” His gaze flicks up to me for half a second, then drops back to the table. “I don’t want to be so scared.”
I look down at my hand on him and try not to feel hurt by those words. Because I know it’s not his fault. I know there’s probably a lot going on inside him that neither of us may ever understand. And I still hope we can get past it.
No. Iknowwe can get past it.
“I’m here, Silas. However long it takes.”
His eyes find mine again, and he nods. And even though I see the war inside him is still alive, I know he believes it. And I know he wants to keep going.
But as I let my hand slip from his arm, I find myself wishing he would lean into me. And I can’t ignore the small sting when he doesn’t.
But I pick up my beer, shove that thought aside for now, and offer him a smile. We can’t solve everything in one night.
Silas picks up his as well and watches me for a moment, his eyes lowering to my lips as his shoulders fall, ever so slightly… and he smiles back.
It may be sad, and a bit hesitant, but it’s a smile. It’s real, and he’s here.
Even though we still have some things to work through, we made a big step tonight. And we’re going to get back to being us.
I know we will.
TWENTY-EIGHT
The headlightsfrom my truck cut across the dark yard as I pull into Dad’s driveway and park next to his truck. I’m not sure why I came here instead of going home, but even just seeing his truck is bringing me a sense of calm I think I need right now.
Even though I’m surprised at how well tonight actually went. I sat in my truck for way too long before I made myself go into the pub and meet Levi. And even then, I felt like I was going to lose control of my body, and I’d turn and leave before I even got to the table.
But… It was ok.
I knew we were going to end up talking about everything that happened between us. It was going to come up at some point, and I knew I couldn’t avoid it forever. I just had no idea how I was going to do it, and how I was going to get the words out. But Levi did what he always did when we were younger… he helped me. And somehow, I managed to give him pieces of what’s been sitting inside me. Which actually felt… good.
But some pieces are still locked away, refusing to budge. And I don’t even know what they are. There’s still so much I don’t understand, and it’s holding me back from moving forward to meet him.
But I want to get there. Why the fuck can’t I get there?
The rest of the night was ok, and it wasn’tcompletelyawkward. There were a lot of silent moments, and he seemed to be careful with his words when talking about his time away. But I also asked about it. As much as it hurts to think about him loving a life that had nothing to do with me, I still felt a strange need to know more about it. And I don’t understand that either.
