My vision blurs as I start the tractor and see Levi out of the corner of my eye, still standing in the same spot.
My heart thumps as the urge to jump out of this tractor and run over to him bumps up against the need to leave and not look back.
But he didn’t come to me. He looked right at me and stayed where he was. And I can’t go through it all again if I walk over there and he chooses to leave.
So I shift the tractor into drive and head towards the field.
My jaw’s tight, and my chest aches as I eventually reach the field and put the tractor in park. As I climb down and round the back to the tiller and squat beside it, my heart continues to race, and my body buzzes. But I try to ignore it as I reach to adjust the depth control lever near the hitch. I grip the handle and pull to lower the blades for the first pass on this field… but I can’t see clearly enough to line it up. My eyes are too full of tears.
I blink, and one falls down my cheek.
“Fuck,” I mutter, sinking down to sit in the dirt. I fold my arms over my bent knees and press my forehead to them as my breaths come quick and shallow and the tears flow from my eyes.It’s like something just cracked open inside me, and hurt, anger, sadness, and fear all crash into me at once, too fast to hold back.
I’m mad, but I’m not mad.
I hate him, but I don’t hate him.
I’m afraid, and I don’t know why.
I don’t know what I am.
I lift my head and wipe my face with the sleeve of my hoodie, shifting my gaze towards the far end of the field. Past the rise of dirt and tire tracks, I can just make out the edge where the hollow heart field begins.
This is my home. The place that’s always felt safe. Where people care about me when I can’t explain why I need them to, and even when I don’t deserve it. Where they help me anyway, and where I found a place to exist in this world that seems so eager to tear me down.
This is mine.
And now everyone is happy Levi is here… and I’m afraid I’m going to lose everything.
More tears fall as my chest tightens, each breath catching halfway as I try to pull them in.
I don’t want it to be like this. I want to be able to go talk to him. I want to hear him say something,anything, that makes it make sense. I want him to tell me the truth, and I want to tell him the truth, even if I don’t know what the truth is.
I don’t know anything.
All I know is that I’m scared.
My brain is yelling, and my muscles are deciding, and it’s all telling me this isn’t good.
But it’s supposed to be good.
I want it to be good.
Please… can it just be good?
I drop my head again and press my forehead to my arms wrapped tight around my knees. I squeeze my eyes shut and tryto block out the noise and the screaming thoughts, telling me bad things. I try so hard to tell them to shut the fuck up.
Because all they’re telling me is that everything is broken. And it’s because of me. Because I made him hate me… and I can’t even make myself do anything to fix it.
I fucking hate this.
TWENTY
I tiltthe lamp on the workbench to cast more light across the page and exhale for what feels like the hundredth time. It’s just after 5:00 AM, but I’ve been here for an hour already, trying to get through this damn report. I figured I’d use the quiet to work on planting plans for the hollow heart field, but I’ve barely made it through one page.
The garage is still dark except for the soft light from my lamp, and since it’s still early, no one’s here yet. But that’s what I need right now. I need to be alone in this space, and to work on this.
But I didn’t sleep at all last night after how yesterday went… so this isn’t going so well.
