“Yeah,” I say.
He squeezes my shoulder and offers me a reassuring smile. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“Thanks,” I say, returning the smile, and he heads off towards his truck.
I watch as he disappears down the road, then look out over the field next to the garage. The sun is slowly climbing higher, taking its shadows with it, and sending warmth down in their place. I close my eyes as I feel it on my cheeks and pull in a slow breath, letting the scent of soil and diesel settle in my lungs.
But when I open my eyes and turn to head back to the office, I pause. The back of my neck prickles with the feeling of being watched, and I slowly turn around.
My gaze immediately lands on a worn, frayed, backwards hat with blond hair curling around the sides.
Silas stands beside one of the tractors, his hand gripping the frame just above the step, as he stares right at me.
A complete mess of emotion floods every inch of me as my eyes move over him, and I just take him in. Somehow, he looks exactly the same as he did four years ago, while also looking nothing like the person I remember.
He’s dressed the same as he always was, in dirty jeans and worn boots, with a tattered hoodie… but he now fills out those clothes in a way he never used to. He now looks every part the strong farmer and is no longer the scrawny kid I once knew.
But the biggest difference hits me right in my heart as I meet his eyes again, and I can’t read what’s in them. Whatever’s in there is hidden firmly behind a tall, thick wall.
His body is angled slightly away from me, and it looks like he’s fighting the urge to walk over here. But the longer I watch him, the more I see.
He looks… scared.
I’ve seen that look in him more times than I want to admit. When he was overwhelmed, when the world felt too big for him to manage… and when he was facing something, or someone, who was a threat.
I’ve always stood beside him.
But now it’s directed at me.
And that fucking hurts.
Tears prick the back of my eyes as I continue to watch him, and emotion wells in my chest, threatening to take over. I want to walk right over to him, pull him into a hug, and tell him everything that’s been sitting unsaid for four years. That I miss him, and that anger felt easier than admitting hurt. That we were young and stupid and handled things poorly… like pride somehow mattered more than understanding. That we can get past this and beusagain.
But my feet stay planted, and I just continue to stare at him. Something is keeping me rooted in place just as firmly as he is, and I wish I could make sense of it.
But before I can even try, his eyes narrow and his jaw tics. I feel the abrupt shift in him from here, and my own muscles stiffen as he glares at me and steps up to jerk the tractor door open.
Well, shit.
NINETEEN
I yankthe tractor door open and climb the steps, forcing my eyes forward instead of towards Levi, even though every part of me wants to look. I want everything to be ok. I want this to feel simple.
But the second I saw him, my body locked up, and I couldn’t move. I don’t know what I was supposed to do, or what I was supposed to feel… but I couldn’t do anything.
So much of him looks the same that at first, I think I almost felt a bit of relief. That even though so much has changed between us, he still looks like him. Just older, and more… professional. Like he brought some of the city back with him, with his fit, clean jeans, his crisp light blue shirt perfectly buttoned, and his hair styled without one strand out of place. But underneath all of that, I could still see the kid who ran through these fields with me, covered in dirt and smiles.
But despite that feeling, my heart started racing, my thoughts turned fuzzy, and my muscles urged me to run. I tried to stay, and I tried to listen to the whispering thoughts that were begging him to come over here. Asking him to make the first move and prove to me that it's safe. I fought the urge to leave and waited,hoping he would take just one step closer to show me that I can too.
But he didn’t.
He stayed where he was and just watched me like he wasn’t sure if I was worth the trouble.
I knew it… he hates me.
So I let my body run.
And I let anger take over. Because it’s louder than anything else and drowns out the thoughts and feelings that don’t make sense. Anger makes sense. It doesn’t wait for me to figure anything out, to speak, or to choose. It takes over, like it has for my entire life, and lets me turn everything else off. Even when I know I shouldn’t.
