“Please don’t.”
Silence. I appreciated it, I really did. That he understood when I’d had enough. Just like I could see it in him. When his shoulders would tighten. When his mouth would form that straight, tense little line.
“My stomach is growling,” I said quietly.
“That’s okay. We have time. One day at a time.”
“Maybe…” I started, hoping I would have the guts to carry this through. Ask him to leave. Let me breathe, just for a day or two. Give me the grace of silence where I could just roll into a ball on the floor and scream.
I needed a good cry. Fuck him and everything he was. I just needed to be allowed to be me.
“You look like you’re going to cry,” he said softly. “Can I give you a hug?”
“No.” I shook my head and looked away.
“It’s okay to cry. I’ve cried. I think I’ve cried every day since I got home. I left, and I cried in the taxi home. I cried at the state of my flat. Cried because I had no bloody clean socks. I cried at the first episode when Wren told Diane that she wasthe wrong fucking everything.At least you didn’t say something like that to me, at least not what they showed.”
“What did they show?” I didn’t want to know. Oh God, now I was having a heart attack.
“Not what I expected. They showed me curled up on the floor. They showed you sat on the floor, stroking my back. I don’t remember you doing that, but it was kind of sweet. They showed us laughing, and…”
“Shit.”
“It’s not as bad as you think.”
“It’s probably exactly as bad as I think.” I was wiping my eyes, the panic in my chest debilitating.
“Peter.”
“I’m going to go out and cut the grass. The neighbours are complaining.” I stood up. Twirled around looking for…I had no idea what. Shoes? Did I own a lawn-mower? Of course I did. Fuck. Fuck this.
“Fuck the neighbours.”
“They are good neighbours. Helpful and…you know. Friends. I need to…”
“You don’t need to do anything. But go on then. Cut the grass.”
“I need to do something.”
“Okay,” he said quietly. “I’ve got stuff to do. Need to…look into things.”
“Okay,” I said, relief flooding through me. Space. I needed to be alone. I needed to not think. At all.
Things didn’t get easier. I stayed out as long as I could, my thoughts slowly becoming more rational. We were…friends. He was just here, and he wasn’t a threat in any way.
A threat. I laughed to myself, an egomaniac train of thought pulsing through me again. I wasn’t attractive to anyone. I mostly smelled. Especially after the gardening I’d done, leaving my small patch of outside space looking manically clear.
This wasn’t me. But it had saved me from having to share space with the one man I didn’t want to share space with. Not like this. Not sat there in a panic, wondering how I would survive the night.
I had to go inside in the end, only to be met with dinner on a plate and him smiling proudly as I devoured his efforts without a single word.
I just couldn’t. Because if I had opened my mouth, I would have said too much. Admitted everything I didn’t want to.
I hated myself. I hated myself so much. Hated everything I had ever been, all the mistakes I had made, my fruitless attempts at becoming a better person.
My life. My marriage. My…
I stayed silent. Because silence was a shield, and it kept me sane.
