“I don’t know.” At least someone was being honest here. Surprisingly, it was me.
Chapter 19
Peter
It had been the weirdest day, and to be honest? Also something I was sat here realising I had needed desperately. Despite the long, silent moments we’d shared, sat at the table saying nothing. The shouting. The constant outbursts where Oliver would blame me for everything from world hunger to the downfall of the universe as we knew it. Then those little smiles, rare like small sprinkles of sunshine in the middle of winter.
He was like that, flipping weirdly from being almost happy…to losing his nerve. Anger. Once again accusing me of being the worst person in the world.
And what surprised me the most?
The niggling feeling in my stomach that he was absolutely right. About…a lot of things.
I could handle it. I was a father. A parent. I had steered my children through growing up, grief and anger. Through fear and despair to jubilant celebration. I knew the way life could kick you about. Confidence was a fragile thing, and…Oliver had it all. I had none of it left. Once in my younger days, I’d been full of it. Cocky and self-assured. I had no idea where the old me had gone because in situations like this? Perhaps I could have done with being more assertive.
Maybe this was a terrible idea. Maybe I should promptly throw the young man currently perched on my sofa…out. Ring him a taxi and send him home. Back to a life he belonged in, because this was Mary’s favourite sofa and her blanket was still thrown over the side and Oliver was crumpling it under his weight.
I had no understanding of why I wasn’t doing just that. Instead I let him lead the way, allowing him to roam my kitchen unsupervised, spouting out random sentences as he found some edible ingredients and made us a meal.
It was ridiculous, but…I felt it was all I could manage. Just to exist in this space with Oliver doing exactly what he kept repeating.
“I’m going to look after you. Because obviously you can’t.”
Like he knew what he was talking about, slamming cupboard doors and rattling about looking for a colander. Or a big spoon.
And me? I just sat there like the big useless blob I was, my eyes following his every move.
My phone kept making noises on the worktop.
I refused to even acknowledge it existed.
“You going to answer that?” he asked when it once again danced around the surface, still attached to the charger.
“No,” I said sternly.
“Good.”
He smiled, and I once again surprised myself by reading that smile like the open book it was.
Just us. No distractions. No noise. Just me and him trying to…
I had no idea what I was supposed to do other than just sit here and hope he would smile again.
“It wasn’t easy…you know. After,” I said, trying to make something make sense. Explain why this was just…the way it was. Why my life had become this rigid, stale thing that I couldn’t just…shift. Shake. Whatever I was doing.
“I am not saying this is going to be easy.” He suddenly sat himself up on the sofa. Arranged himself the way he did. Small shuffles where he ended up leaning forward. His elbows on his knees. Very much him. “I have…ideas. I’ve made a plan in my head. And I do realise there are limitations here, and things I need to be respectful of, and I need to give you space and time…”
“Amen!” I burst out.
“Shut up.” He laughed. “I’m not a child. I have some sense. I admit, not always much, but Peter, I get this. You have a whole life here, and you have your kids and your work, and I’m not sitting here demanding that you give it all up, not for me. I just want you to see what you could have. If you just…you know.”
“No, I don’t know.” I didn’t. I was just being honest here.
“I would love to sit down and watch the show with you. Objectively. We know what was real and what was fake in there. I mean, oh God, it’s a shitshow. From the inside? Looking out? I was a miserable mess for most of the time. I think you were as well. But when you actually step back? When you watch it from a different perspective?”
“No,” I said, louder than intended.
“It opened my eyes to a lot of things. How I behave. What I say. And most of all –”
