I tugged on my hair, feeling a wave of emotion rising within me, threatening to consume me. I knew it would pass, but god, it sucked in the moment. I took a few deep breaths, listening to the sound of the ocean, the sea gulls calling in the distance.
And then I picked up my phone. I navigated to my contacts and paused at the picture of Derek. It was just a small thumbnail, an older picture from college. But he looked so happy as confetti rained down from the rafters. Our team had just won the Frozen Four, and it had always been one of my favorite memories.
I hit the button to connect the call. He was one of the few people I called who still had a personalized voice mail greeting. I used to give him shit for it, but now I was grateful because it gave me a way to hear his voice.
“This is Derek?—”
My knees sagged, and I staggered over to a nearby rock to sit.
“I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m busy being amazing. Leave a message, and I’ll get back to you when I’m done.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, despite the pain currently gripping me. When the phone signaled it was time to leave a message, I hesitated. I felt so many things, but I didn’t even know what to say.
“Why?” I blurted.
I wasn’t sure who I was really asking—Derek, the universe? Either way, I knew I wasn’t going to get an answer.
“Why did you have to leave us?” I asked, as much for Bryn as myself. “And what am I supposed to do now?” I stood. “I don’t fucking know where to go from here.”
I used the neckline of my shirt to wipe away sweat and tears. Salt stung my eyes, but it was nothing compared to the anguish of what Bryn had revealed.
“I had no idea you were trying for a family.”
I let the silence hang there as if waiting for an answer. But there was no answer because he was gone.
I’d never admitted this before, but I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “Bryn is hurting, and what she really needs is a friend. And I am… Iamthat friend. But I’m also in love with her. I’m in love with Bryn,” I repeated, feeling somehow calmer. “God, that feels good to admit aloud.”
I took a deep breath in.
“I love her, and I have no idea what you would think of that. Would you be pissed? Pleased? Would you see it as a betrayal of our friendship?” My breath sawed in and out of me.
I was quiet, almost as if waiting for him to respond. Waiting for some sign. Bryn was always talking about seeing signs from Derek, and I could’ve really used one right now.
“I swear I didn’t plan for this to happen. I just wanted to be there for her after…everything. I just wanted to help her. But she ended up helping me.” I should’ve been telling Bryn this.
“It guts me to see her fall apart. I’m trying to be strong for her, but this is breaking me.” My voice cracked with that admission.
The phone beeped, signaling that I’d run out of time. An automated message came on. “If you’d like to save…”
I hung up, sliding my phone into my pocket. I planted my hands on my hips and stared out over the bay. And then I took a deep breath and started running again.
By the timeI returned to the bungalow, I felt calmer and more centered. I opened the door quietly in case Bryn was still sleeping, but the bed was empty. I wandered out to the patio, where she was sitting on one of the lounge chairs in a robe, a gentle breeze blowing through her hair.
She glanced over her shoulder, and when she saw me, she smiled. “Good morning.” She seemed almost…chipper, which surprised me after the alcohol and the late-night emotional revelations.
She set aside the resort tablet, placing it on top of some papers, and I grabbed a glass of water.
“Morning.” I gulped down the water.
“Good workout?” she asked as I took a seat on the lounger next to her.
“Yeah,” I said, my heart rate finally getting back to normal. “How are you feeling?”
“Surprisingly good,” she said, and I wondered if she was referring to any lingering effects of the alcohol or her mental state. Hopefully, both. “You?”
I wasn’t sure whether to bring up last night or not. So I said, “I’m good,” and I meant it. After the run and my phone call, I felt calmer.
“Thanks for listening last night. I feel…” She stared out at the ocean. “I didn’t mean to dump all that on you, but I feel more at peace now.”
